Hot Flesh, A Jar of Farts and Three Men in A Tub.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my lovely faithful followers. For regular updates you can find me on facebook. https://www.facebook.com/the.sex.kitten1

So here's how 2018 started in Beth and Elvis and Bobs world. So far so good!

FRIDAY; Got up in the night to find three naked men squashed in my bath telling me they had moved in and I would just have to suck it up buttercup. Suck something up anyway. 'Rubadubdub, three men in a tub'- I thought me luck was changing. Then I looked a bit closer and I thought 'well two of them ain't too bad- I guess I can live with them'. One was a bit ropey to be honest but I didn't think I would be able extricate him from that tangle of hot flesh in the middle of the night. Went back to bed and thought nothing of it until I got up this morning and went to check on them-quite excited I was too. Well bugger me if they hadn't all got up and moved out again without as much as a goodbye and thank you for the hospitality. How Rude. That's the last time I leave the front door open at bedtime! And certainly the last time I let three men in my bath at the same time......or maybe not.

SATURDAY:Sometimes its not until you do family history you realise the close links between you all in profession. For instance, Mines Mr Husband's great grandfather was a gas collector. Yes he was the very person Christine Aquliaria wrote that song about- collecting a jar of farts. Now mines Mr Husband is also in the gas industry- (he does this alongside his job at the airport- before, during and after). He doesn't so much collect gas as he distributes it. Generously so too. If you should ever happen to be in his company you just keep your ears and nostrils alert and you may be witness to his generosity!!!

WEDNESDAY; According to mines Mr Husband you check the pulse to see if you are still alive. Or anyone else. He showed me how to do it. I do have it in one arm. Whoohoo. He also said that you have a pulse in your groin and in your throat. So when he caught me with hands round me sisters throat I told him I was checking her pulse. He seemed to believe that. He even seemed to encourage me. However, when he caught me with me hands down the postman's trousers he was less understanding. Really I did think that postman didn't look well! I was only doing the man a good turn!

MONDAY:I chipped a tooth on a hard pear over this holiday. It just goes to prove that fruit is bad for you. A New Years Beths Top Tit- stick to cake and maltesers. Can't go far wrong with that. I have never chipped a tooth on cake or chocolate!

 TUESDAY: I have been laid awake all night listening the wind howling and booming against my window. Thats the last time I let Mines Mr Husband eat so many veg in one sitting. Also the last time I let him sleep in my bed. Or near the window!

SUNDAY: Ye are probably all thinking Beth be very quiet today. She probably got a big bag of chocolates for breakfast. I have as well. How do ye know that? Can't keep nuffin to meself. Anyways me and Bob and Elvis been on a trip to Morrisons. 4 minutes exactly it takes to get there from our house. I timed it. I even shopped without incident. Apart from the fannying about old woman who dogged me all the way round. She is in the cold store out the back now. That will be a nice surprise for someone when they go to stock up on frozen fish fingers. Anyways it took me 3 hours to get home. Bob and Elvis went on a jolly. 'This way' I am saying 'I am sure it's this way'. They are saying 'No, it's this way'.  'It's Way O Down' Elvis Kept singing. They tricked me. Did you know, basically Tiverton is one massive circle? Until you get on the motorway. Tis just one straight line is that. Do bundle up if you go outside. Tis frightfully cold out there! And do watch out for comatose iguanas falling from trees. It could be fatal for ye.

FINAL THOUGHT: Also has anyone else ever shopped in an empty aisle not because its empty or because they needed something but just because the aisle looked lonely and they felt sorry for it? Just me then!

Giving a Blow Job the right way....................

Another funny week

Tuesday - I can't believe what a misery arse mines Mr Husband is. Would you believe that now, not only I am not allowed to take my ironing board and exercise bike on holiday- he has actually made me unpack the ornaments and three pictures I had packed. He says we are going for a week and not feckin moving in. I know that ye eejit husband. I always think ye needs to make yeself feel at home on holiday. He said 'as it is ye have only booked us in three miles down the road, we can pop back if ye needs to see ye feckin ornaments'. Don't know why I bother sometimes!

Thursday - Oh my- you should see the tiny bit of clothes Mines Mr Husband has packed for holidays- whoopee- leaves room for ornaments!! Also he has packed swimming trunks- I have asked him 'what ye packs they for to go on holiday?' He said he might go swimming. 'Well', I said to him 'Ye haven't in 12 years, so I don't see it happening now'. So I took the swimming trunks and replaced with an ornament. Taking up feckin valuable ornament space with feckin trunks. What next? I asked if it was ok to take books. He said yes- I thought he would. He likes books. 'Good' I said 'how many boxes of books can I take?'. He looked at me (somewhat despairingly I thought) and said ' One. One book. Not one box'. Feckin cheers Mines Mr Husband- we only have the cookery books unpacked so far. I am opting for the 'greedy girls cookbook'. I am not letting him share mine. He might want to start experimenting in the kitchen and that always leads to heartburn.

Wednesday: So Far mines Mr husband has unpacked : The hand held cleaner; the bath mats; shower curtain; spare shower head; ornaments and three pictures; picture hanging set; hammer; set of saucepans (they always of have old knackered ones on holiday that your food sticks to); frying pan (ditto); set of basins; electric whisks; electric heater (WTF? it will be sure to be cold- and I know it is central heated but it might not be on!) However he has let me keep packed matches; pens; torch; and a ball of string.

Friday -

Well that was one of those nights that you wish you hadn't bothered to go to bed! Two hours sleep. Awake for five hours and one hour nap! And to top it all MMH was sat on the edge of his bed last night in his nuddy pants after his bath (cos that's how we bath in this house - call us old fashioned) I was just out of the shower also in my nuddy pants (cos that is also how we shower in this house) down on mines knees getting the hair dryer out (unbeknown to MMH) when he unwittingly asks for a blow job. I don't think he will be so quick to ask in future! He will at least check l am not holding my super duper hairdryer in my hand. I don't know whether it was the extra hot setting that did for him or the diffuser attachment. Either way it will be sometime before he can walk straight again!!

We did engage in some pillow talk last night (after the hairdryer incident) where it transpired that Mines Mr Husband lives with me and exercises great patience and tolerance. I asked why? Why the feck? He didn't seem to need much time to think about this. Apparently I have a lot of quacks and fur balls. One of them he suggests is that I am very clean but not very tidy. I pointed out that he is very tidy but not very clean- and I know which I would rather be! Cleanliness is next to Godliness me ol' granny used to say. She also used to say put clean knickers on when ye goes out in case ye gets hit by bus. I guess ye don't want all the passengers on the bus saying 'did ye see the state of her drawers?'. Anyways, not only but also, mines Mr Husband, now living dangerously continues that I lack 'logic'. What the feck??? 'I am,' I tell him, 'the most logical person I know of '. He says 'well ye don't now many peoples do ye?'. I have to remind him I am big in Alaska. Then he tells me I am beautiful (altogether now - AWW) then, get this, he claims that he is the one with the brains. 'Yes,' I says 'they are in your little furry balls' (which incidentally now dangle from his ears). I am not the one who went on a national game show with a head full of useless knowledge that didn't win us any money because I was sidetracked by a damsel in distress and therefore I forgot to use my brains. Now he is going to write me a list of all my quacks and fur balls. There could be another divorce statistic looming me thinks! He wants to be grateful we don't have enough feckin paper in this house for me to write a list of his!!

AND REMEMBER this guys - Happiness comes from within- that is why it is good to fart.