ALL IN A WEEK AT OURS
Mines Mr Husband said that sometimes he comes out of work
and he thinks 'I can't wait to get home and get mines wife's knickers off'. I
said 'well don't be such an eejit- wear thee own knickers to work-you will get
chafing from the lace from mine'. Ye Gods can a gal not have anything to
herself..?
In the woods we found some bear shit and mines Mr Husband
argued that it was Pony Shit. I don't know how the feck he knows. He can't even
identify between foxes and badgers shit on the drive. I told him the way to
tell is to taste it. Tis true I have seen this on a nature programme with Lee
Evans. Mouse shit it was called I think. You taste it and then somehow you know
if it is badgers shit or hedgehogs shit. I think the same happens with all the
other kinds of shit too. I bent down anyways to have a sniff. 'It feckin stinks'
I told him. 'It feckin stinks bad' I said taking another big sniff. Mines Granny
said 'Take big sniffs it will be gone all the sooner'. Although that is usually
cow shit. 'A husband who cares about his wife will taste this' I said 'in order
to identify which kind of shit it is'. I took another sniff. 'It does stink
really, really bad' I said, 'But not as bad as all the bullshit I been smelling
this week'. Thus I concluded that I will rather sniff bear shit or pony shit
than bull shit. But I have ousted the source of that now and all is good in the
Lucas household now.
A BBC headline today is asking me if I would tell Apple if I
have had sex- be jeepers what next? Tis only the business of the plums is what
I say. De apples can mind their own feckin business.
I had a visit to see the new dentist. Money making racket if
ye ask me. She said 'you grind your teeth a lot don't you? Why do you do
that?'. Apparently because 'I like it' and 'what are ye a feckin therapist
now', is not the right answer. She tried to sell me a thingy to go between my
teeth to bite on to 'save them'. It is about 70 squids. I said 'I ain't feckin
made of money Mrs- I might be an awfur
but I got to sell a heck of lot of three little pigs to make 70squid'. Instead
I settled on buying cake to keep betwixt mines teef at nights to stop the
grinding. Mine teef grinding that is not mines hips grinding. A gal needs a
good twerk sometimes. Then, to stop me sucking she tried to sell me a new toof
to go in the gap where the other dentist took one out two years ago. I like
sucking I told her. I will stick a toffee in that gap and that should stop the
sucking that displeases you and the kind of sucking I like can stay. I don't
want one of thems false teeth. Mines Little Sister (the one with the issues and
the day confusion) has one of these and it be nuffin but trouble. She even has
to carry superglue in her handbag in case it breaks. The toof not the handbag.
Although it did come in handy when her shoe broke and we was having a seaside
day. I only had a ball of string. And ye all knows ye can't mend teef wiv
string.
Mines Mr Husband has been getting the gardening done for me.
He is currently have trouble with a whole herd of starlings attacking his fat
balls. Tis very disconcerting for the tits it is. Mines Mr Husband do not
display fat balls to attract starlings- only the tits. To be fair I do have a
nice pair of tits who are eyeing up the little box I have put on the fence for
them. I think we have a sale there guys.
Porky and Mess (the party size gateaux shaped people across
the road- you remember them? Yes you do- I told you- she has an integrated bike
rack-) they went to a party last week. I know. I seen thems loading up the car
with cakes. And he had a clean shirt on. I followed them- well the cake called
me- 'follow us, follow us'. So I did. They went to a party. I wasn't allowed
in. Apparently they told the policemans I was stalking them. I said 'not strictly
true your honour- I was stalking the cake- i have developed a dependency since
hitting the menopause'. Talking of strictly I must remember to watch the
results tonight. I felt sorry for poor old Tess Daley. She can only afford a
dress with one sleeve. All that money the BBC takes in licence fees as well. I
think I might drop a line to the secretary general or whatever he is.
Thats yer lot for this week folks. Its time for some Elvis
whilst I lay on the floor waving me legs about and thrusting me pelvic floor
muscles. Gotta keep thems hips moving.
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