Bananas, Badgers and Testicles

Oh I have a real devil may care attitude today. Not only have I upset pathetic Ant Mcpartlin fans I have dared to load me own dishwasher! Obviously Mines Mr Husband has had to re-load it properly- but nevertheless I did it. I may carry on in this way- I might mix the recycling up later! Anyways you be wondering what else I been upto this week I bet. So here tis:

 Thursday :If I were to ask you who you thought I loved the most in the world today, you could be forgiven for saying it was you, or Mr Husband, or my children or my grandchildren or even my dog. My dog? WTF are you on about? You know I ain't got a dog. I got a pussy but we don't go there on cold days like today thank you. No siree. Tis none of these things that I love the most today. Anyways the person I love most in the world today is mines osteopaff. I have been in soooo much pain for two or more weeks now. No-one knew this because I just bare it. Also I get on with the pain. Although to be fair it did get too bad one day so I took two paracetomol. But mines wonderful osteopaff fitted me in with an appointment and found a bone out in mines neck and that mines pelvis had twisted . I blame jailhouse rock meself-  I was a listening to that in the week. Tis well known for sending Pelvis's into the ether is that. He laid me on that bed and he pulled, pushed and stuck things in me. Today I am floating like a piece of light fluffy bread. I can actually stand up straight and move me head from side to side. How cool is that? Mr Osteopaff I love you to the moon and back! However, today I have a pain betwixt the shoulder blades- I blame this on listening to Dolly Partons greatest tits. What with the weight of hers and mine combined.......................

 Friday: We was driving out to our muvvers and when we got close I sees two dead badgers. Whole. A pair. With eyes and everyfin. 'STOP' I shouts at Mines Mr Husband- 'tis a late birfday present for ye'. He says 'if it's someat dead, I don't want nuffin else'. I tells him its badgers. He likes badgers. 'You likes badgers' I says.  He says he likes them but he likes them living thank you very much. I says to him 'Well I can't do fecking bringing back to life miracles but I can recycle them' He said 'Look I had a nice pair of trainers for me birfday and I am happy with that'. 'I know that' I tells him- 'I thought ye would like a nice pair of slippers made with badger' I says. By then we was at me muvvers cos he wouldn't stop even when I lifted me top and flashed mines boobies. However the man coming in the opposite direction swerved and went in the hedge- silly sod. Anyways I got me mobility walker out and I went back up the road- I picked them up in me walker and brings them back. I got mines favver to put them in a carrier bag disguised as large spuds. Mines Mr Husband won't even know until he gets slippers! Also I seed me bestie Kim- I think she wants me to do her fringe.

Thursday : I said to mines Mr Husband 'I love kayaking in the bath'. He said 'You dyslexic fruit bat- yakking- it's yakking in the bath you love'. I said 'ho eayh'. Good job I got him or I could end up in a elkcip.

Monday I found out Guys you can get Botox for your Testicles. Tis called Scrotox. Don't be wasting your £'s. Just chuck an ice cube in your under crackers- that will do the same thing. I am going to try it out on Mines Mr Husband later.

Tuesday I had an electician. Well when I say had..........he came to look in me little cupboard. I must say these electrician blokes are nice are they not? Although I have to say they are not too happy when you take the cable and start tying them up to put in the cupboard under the stairs. 'Think of the kids missus' he said. I said 'I never think of my kids when I am tying up men to keep under the stairs. My kids just don't wanna know'. He said 'not your kids missus- mine- I gotta get to the childminder and pick them up- tis my turn'. I must be getting soft in me ol age cos I had to let him go. I showed him me boobies on the way out though and told him to come again- he is always wellcum here!

Final thought: I have read this week there is going to be a shortage of bananas. Well less of a shortage and more of an extinction. Thats going to play havoc with hers across the roads love life I fear. I just hope we don't have the same issue with cucumber or she is really going to be stuffed. (Or not as the case maybe.)

Knickers with Lace, Fat Balls and Tits, and Bull shit

ALL IN A WEEK AT OURS

Mines Mr Husband said that sometimes he comes out of work and he thinks 'I can't wait to get home and get mines wife's knickers off'. I said 'well don't be such an eejit- wear thee own knickers to work-you will get chafing from the lace from mine'. Ye Gods can a gal not have anything to herself..?

In the woods we found some bear shit and mines Mr Husband argued that it was Pony Shit. I don't know how the feck he knows. He can't even identify between foxes and badgers shit on the drive. I told him the way to tell is to taste it. Tis true I have seen this on a nature programme with Lee Evans. Mouse shit it was called I think. You taste it and then somehow you know if it is badgers shit or hedgehogs shit. I think the same happens with all the other kinds of shit too. I bent down anyways to have a sniff. 'It feckin stinks' I told him. 'It feckin stinks bad' I said taking another big sniff. Mines Granny said 'Take big sniffs it will be gone all the sooner'. Although that is usually cow shit. 'A husband who cares about his wife will taste this' I said 'in order to identify which kind of shit it is'. I took another sniff. 'It does stink really, really bad' I said, 'But not as bad as all the bullshit I been smelling this week'. Thus I concluded that I will rather sniff bear shit or pony shit than bull shit. But I have ousted the source of that now and all is good in the Lucas household now.

A BBC headline today is asking me if I would tell Apple if I have had sex- be jeepers what next? Tis only the business of the plums is what I say. De apples can mind their own feckin business.

I had a visit to see the new dentist. Money making racket if ye ask me. She said 'you grind your teeth a lot don't you? Why do you do that?'. Apparently because 'I like it' and 'what are ye a feckin therapist now', is not the right answer. She tried to sell me a thingy to go between my teeth to bite on to 'save them'. It is about 70 squids. I said 'I ain't feckin made of  money Mrs- I might be an awfur but I got to sell a heck of lot of three little pigs to make 70squid'. Instead I settled on buying cake to keep betwixt mines teef at nights to stop the grinding. Mine teef grinding that is not mines hips grinding. A gal needs a good twerk sometimes. Then, to stop me sucking she tried to sell me a new toof to go in the gap where the other dentist took one out two years ago. I like sucking I told her. I will stick a toffee in that gap and that should stop the sucking that displeases you and the kind of sucking I like can stay. I don't want one of thems false teeth. Mines Little Sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion) has one of these and it be nuffin but trouble. She even has to carry superglue in her handbag in case it breaks. The toof not the handbag. Although it did come in handy when her shoe broke and we was having a seaside day. I only had a ball of string. And ye all knows ye can't mend teef wiv string.

Mines Mr Husband has been getting the gardening done for me. He is currently have trouble with a whole herd of starlings attacking his fat balls. Tis very disconcerting for the tits it is. Mines Mr Husband do not display fat balls to attract starlings- only the tits. To be fair I do have a nice pair of tits who are eyeing up the little box I have put on the fence for them. I think we have a sale there guys.

Porky and Mess (the party size gateaux shaped people across the road- you remember them? Yes you do- I told you- she has an integrated bike rack-) they went to a party last week. I know. I seen thems loading up the car with cakes. And he had a clean shirt on. I followed them- well the cake called me- 'follow us, follow us'. So I did. They went to a party. I wasn't allowed in. Apparently they told the policemans I was stalking them. I said 'not strictly true your honour- I was stalking the cake- i have developed a dependency since hitting the menopause'. Talking of strictly I must remember to watch the results tonight. I felt sorry for poor old Tess Daley. She can only afford a dress with one sleeve. All that money the BBC takes in licence fees as well. I think I might drop a line to the secretary general or whatever he is.

Thats yer lot for this week folks. Its time for some Elvis whilst I lay on the floor waving me legs about and thrusting me pelvic floor muscles. Gotta keep thems hips moving.

Walks, Boobies and Wellies and Chunky Nuts.

ME:  'Tis a nice evening Mines Mr Husband'.

MMH: 'Tis indeed. We should go for a walk'

ME: 'Nah, it's too far for me with my pain tonight'

MMH: 'Too far cupcake?'

ME: 'Yep. We should go for a walk in the car'

MMH: 'Go for a walk in the car??'

ME: 'Super duper idea, I shall get me coat and me camera'.

So we went to the pond at Bystock and had a teeny weeny stroll. T'was a very lovely evening only spoiled by five loud, very loud, uncouths youths who had clearly never been taught how to behave in public or around wildlife. It marred my little walk it did so I got mine own back. I didn't tell them about the bear in the woods. Haha- that showed them so it did. Don't p**s me off or I won't warn you about the bear in the woods.

On the way home when mines Mr Husband was travelling at some speed, (practising for the grand pricks he is) I yelled STOP- all in capital letters just like that. He came to a skidding halt and I jumped out of the car (our tyres was a smokin!) and I came back with a souvenir for him. I must say he can be very grumpy at times. I found him a lovely welly. T'was size 11 I grant ye that. But he could stuff tissue in the toes. I used to do this with my bra until thems boobies got so big that I can't even find a big enough bra. I been on at him for ages to get wellies in case we gets flooded out. I got pretty blue floral ones (wellies not boobies). He once had some wellies but he left them in the garage along side mine and they became home to several families of mices. 'Look Mines Mr Husband' I said- 'I have found you a souvenir'- he tutted and sighed. 'It's a knackered old welly boot that I have no use for what so ever- and its all broken to boot'. To be fair it did look a bit sad. 'Tis ok mines chunky nuts' (tis a term of endearment I use for him), 'I can stick it back together with serious glue and t'will be good as new'. His brow was very furrowed by now. 'And what good will it be when it is repaired? One welly that is massive?'. It was massive and I pondered about the previous owner.!!! So I told him 'You have several choices as I see it 1) You can drive a bit slower and we can see if we can find the other one, 2) You can keep it until we find another one, 3) You can wear it with the trainer I found you the other day (although I am still searching for a lace for it) or 4) you can hop!' Now he was losing patience and ordered me to put the welly back where I found it and get in the car. 'You get in the feckin car' I said. 'I am in the car' he replied (a tad sarcastically I thought if  I am honest) NOW GET IN THE CAR (all in capitals like that he said it). 'Nope' I said defiantly 'I am not going home without the welly'. He was getting red now (when he gets red he is not to be tangled with- I know this for sure- but still I wanted to bring the welly home for him. They are expensive are wellies. You ask any welly owner.) 'I will stay here so I will with the welly'. We had a stare off. Then I gave him my hardest Paddington hard stare. Then he said 'Oh very well, get in the feckin car and bring the damned welly with you'. After we reversed out of the hedgerow we went on our way in silence. I think he was mad with me so when I seen the dead badger- that to be honest I thought would go nice with the one I brought him back off mines holiday, I kept quiet. I am planning to take the car when he is asleep and collect it myself for him and save it for fathers day for him. He doesn't usually get much for fathers day and I think a dead animal always cheers him up. Or I could be mistaken. We will see.x