Too many pussies, tits and Chewbacca

Ye probably all thinks I been gone into hiding this week but I am still here.  Been watching me tits bouncing round Mines Mr Husbands fat balls all the week and trying to keep the pussies under control. I tell ye its a full time job.

Chewbacca been arrested in Ukraine for campaigning for Darth Vadar to be prime minister- then they wonders why the country is a mess. They need Darth Vadar for prime minister. Ye can't trust that Putin blokey. He puts mine teeth on edge.

I have noticed the aeroplanes here do get very low- they'd turn mines blood to lamp oil so they do. Mines Mr Husband says that we do live next door to the airport and they have to get that low to land. 'What ye want them to do? Drop from the sky onto the tarmac?'  he asked. 'Yes,' I said , 'that would be preferable'. I have written a letter to the airport suggesting this. If I don't get a response I will have to get in touch with my MP Hugo doodah spires or whatever.

Mines mother rang to tell me she had been to Dunelm for nets. She found some for 48p. T'was a bargain I pointed out- apart from how much it costs in petrol to travel a round trip of 50miles. Then she said she felt so guilty for only spending 48p that she grabbed some other things by the checkout (that she didn't either need or want) just so as Dunelm wouldn't think she was a meanie drawers. I said 'mines mother, it is ok to go in and spend a small amount. It is even ok, (apparently- according to mines Mr Husband) to go in and spend nothing- although very very difficult'. Level of difficulty suggested 11.5 out of 10, but I did it once. But only cos I was poorly.

Mid week I suggested to Mines Mr Husband that we go on our holidays again to relive the love that I had for that holiday. He said we could only go for the day. I was so excited. He made me unpack the suitcase, including the bath mats and the ornaments. He said was only going for a feckin day and we wouldn't need all that stuff this time. I still sneaked in spare knickers and trousies though- well just in case. We climbed the cliffs again and I asked him if he wanted to climb the special high one (for old times sake)- the one that makes him look like a cockle on a rock. He declined. Instead he suggested he take me down the side of the cliff. Well ye know what I am like for being taken- always open to suggestions and new ideas. So we did a daring thing and climbed down the side of one. One cliff that is, not one idea. In all the excitement mines Mr Husband went surging ahead. I only went a little way and then I chanced to look down. I frozed. That girl in frozen had nowt on me I tell ye. I couldn't move. I was like the men that the grand old Duke of York had. I was neither up nor down. And I couldn't go either up nor down. I stood rooted to the spot. There was no way to move sideways and twerking weren't an option for there weren't enough room.. I thought 'Oh ye gods if I fall down there I shall surely break me camera'. And tis a good camera is that. Eventually a kindly woman coaxed me back to the top with some chocolate cake. She also made me put mines clothes back on. Mines Mr Husband was going on down to the bottom- until it got very tricky and then asked me if I wanted to go back down to meet him and fetch the car keys- in case he didn't make it. I said 'not on yer feckin Nelly I won't. I would sooner stick pins in me eyes and walk home than come back down there. There is chocolate cake up yer'. So I left him to it. 'Ye a silly old fool', I shouted from a safe distance. I didn't think he would chase me cos to be fair I had a head start on him.  I don't think we are cut out for that kind of adventure. We be too old I told him. It's played havoc with me dodgy hip and me feets and legs are fair knackered.

I did lay down on the top of the cliff to take some photographs. 'What ye doing down there fruitcake?' mines Mr Husband' asked. 'Why?, what's it gotta do with thee?' I asked. He paused. Then he said 'Nuffin. It's just ye are laid in cow pat'.  He had a point. I Told him to put his point away - we didn't all wanna see that thing in daylight. Then he took me on the beach-I tell ye he will take me anywhere that man. T'was very busy- peoples having holidays all over the beach and peoples surfing. I didn't like the beach being so cluttered with peoples. So I shouted shark- look shark- a few times- sharks do live in the water in Cornwall don't ye know. That emptied the place. We was able to enjoy the beach to ourselves- me and him and the shark.

When we got home I took all mines clothes off and got in the bath. That's how we roll in this house. And bath. I even put water in the bath.  Oh yes, we knows how to live it up in this house. Then mines Mr Husband called up all excited 'Ye books have arrived, ye books have arrived from New York'. I was so excited I flapped around in the bath like a flappy thing on a flappy day in the bath full of water. I am muchly pleased because they weren't going to arrive until xmas. Impressed I am. Have ye not bought yet? Quick get yeself over to Amazon and order ye copy.

Finally this week learned that twerking is soooo last year. Oh noooooooooooo! I likes me twerking I do. It's all about whipping your nae nae now- sounds too painful for me to even contemplate. Don't be telling mines Mr Husband though- he shall be wanting to give it a go half way down a cliff side. Oh and very lastly tis all excitement in this house. Tonight is the pumpkin party at the village hall. Mines Mr Husband has entered me. In the Pumpkin party (ye dirty minded feckers). He told them 'Mines Mrs Wifey is a pumpkin- a little pickled- but she will do a nice twerk for ye'. I might not. I might just go and whip me nae nae.

Tits on Coasters

Mines Mr Husband is getting wearier and wearier so we have discussed his retiring. He says 'We have to have something to live on pickle- we can't just retire to a little cottage in Cornwall without means'. He always looks for obstacles. So I said 'My book is selling- we will live on the proceeds'. He pointed out that £20 won't actually last long. So I said 'there is always my photographs- I will put me tits on some coasters. They will look good on coasters'. Do ye know what he said? No? Well I will tell ye. He said 'they will good on my face'. So he has gone to work today with a coal tit coaster stuck to his left cheek, a blue tit coaster on his right and a great tit stuck to his forehead.  I like to comply with his wishes where I can.

Buy the Three Little Pigs in KOBO

Due to demand for the new book, The Three Little Pigs in different formats we have started converting it. The attached format is for readers with the KOBO. Here's a Paypal button that once you've paid will take you straight to the download for the Kobo.

 

Please let me know if it doesn't work and we can email you a copy once your payment is verified.

Beths TopTip and Sucking Toes

I haven't given ye all a Beths Top TIp for a while. I expect ye have noticed- tis with all this book lark and such like. (By the way did ye all enjoy it? Yep? Then please go to Amazon and leave a review for me- will much appreciated. I only have one review and that be from MMH- don't think that counts really And please tell all ye friends!). Anyway this weeks Beths Top Tip- DONT smash a jar of gravy granules all over the floor. 'Why not Beth'? I hear ye all crying- Well tis simples my little dimples. It makes a right feckin mess. And if ye do ignore me warning- whatever ye do, don't follow the instructions on the jar and add hot water- tis a right ol' mess ye will make. Is there a plus side to this I hear ye ask? Well there is I tell ye. 1) Ye whole house gets a good clean. (Unplanned- the best sort) 2) Ye gets a good workout (particularly good if ye have been a bit lazy of late) 3) Ye got a good reason to spank ye ol man when he gets home (for his stupid stacking in the cupboard- t'wasn't really his fault but me thinks he would like a spanking) and 4) makes ye feet taste feckin loverly.

Don't forget to buy the bookywooky and leave a review.
Loves ya all.xx

Virgin Showering, A good 8 Inches and cold arse

           Ye Gods- I am tired of this skinny bitch shower. Ye knows we have this skinny bitch house with a skinny bitch shower cubicle. It measures just three feet by three feet ( a metre square for you peoples born after 1990)- us oldies are better with feet and inches. Ye know where ye are with 8 inches. (Heaven!!). Tis no good this ere shower for cake shaped peoples like me and mines Mr Husband. We have had to learn to do the vertical limbo to get in. There is no where to put thee shower gel and thee shampoo. Fact. So I bought a hanging thingymajig with a hook to hang from the shower itself. Was okish but it squealed like a nervous virgin against the wall every time it got touched. Think blackboards and nails. I couldn't stand it anymore. Or hang it. So I bought a new one. Very similar but with plastic coating and added suction pads and an extra little shelfy thing to put extra shampoos and whatnots. The downside was the shampoos and whatnots had to lay down. Not too bad I thought. Until today when I got in the shower. It obstructed the shower so the shower kept turning round and pointing at the wall. I can't even begin to tell you the position I had to get into to get wet. Then the damn shelfy thing kept moving about. So I took it off the shower and hung it on the door. I knew I wouldn't be able to get out again with it there but I could move it again. I carefully stacked all the bottles on it, turned the shower head back round to face me and low and behold I couldn't move at all because there was no space. I tried to lift the shelfy thing off and hang on another door and all the bottles came off and clouted me on the head and on me feet. No room for doing the jive in there I tell ye. I bent over to pick them up and dabbed me cute arse on the cold tiles which in turn caused me to bang me head on the knob. The door knob that is. There be no room for two peoples in that shower, even bean pole shaped peoples. I yanked at the shelfy thing which was by now sucked firmly to the door- I slid it to the edge and yanked a bit more- hooray it came off but alas it landed sucker side down on the shower tray. The door flew open and the bathroom was getting soaked, I was yanking at this damn thing to get it off the floor but it was stuck firmly by its suckers- my cute arse hit the cold tiles again and I banged me head on the knob again (same knob- no room for two people- I just told ye that). I continued me shower stood on one leg, wedged in a corner with me head under me arm and me cute arse pressed against the tiles.  And where was Mines Mr Husband-? I hear ye all asking. Well I will tell ye - he was down stairs having his crumpet and never heard the commotion above his head. (Apparently.)  Tomorrow I am having a bath.

Knickers with Lace, Fat Balls and Tits, and Bull shit

ALL IN A WEEK AT OURS

Mines Mr Husband said that sometimes he comes out of work and he thinks 'I can't wait to get home and get mines wife's knickers off'. I said 'well don't be such an eejit- wear thee own knickers to work-you will get chafing from the lace from mine'. Ye Gods can a gal not have anything to herself..?

In the woods we found some bear shit and mines Mr Husband argued that it was Pony Shit. I don't know how the feck he knows. He can't even identify between foxes and badgers shit on the drive. I told him the way to tell is to taste it. Tis true I have seen this on a nature programme with Lee Evans. Mouse shit it was called I think. You taste it and then somehow you know if it is badgers shit or hedgehogs shit. I think the same happens with all the other kinds of shit too. I bent down anyways to have a sniff. 'It feckin stinks' I told him. 'It feckin stinks bad' I said taking another big sniff. Mines Granny said 'Take big sniffs it will be gone all the sooner'. Although that is usually cow shit. 'A husband who cares about his wife will taste this' I said 'in order to identify which kind of shit it is'. I took another sniff. 'It does stink really, really bad' I said, 'But not as bad as all the bullshit I been smelling this week'. Thus I concluded that I will rather sniff bear shit or pony shit than bull shit. But I have ousted the source of that now and all is good in the Lucas household now.

A BBC headline today is asking me if I would tell Apple if I have had sex- be jeepers what next? Tis only the business of the plums is what I say. De apples can mind their own feckin business.

I had a visit to see the new dentist. Money making racket if ye ask me. She said 'you grind your teeth a lot don't you? Why do you do that?'. Apparently because 'I like it' and 'what are ye a feckin therapist now', is not the right answer. She tried to sell me a thingy to go between my teeth to bite on to 'save them'. It is about 70 squids. I said 'I ain't feckin made of  money Mrs- I might be an awfur but I got to sell a heck of lot of three little pigs to make 70squid'. Instead I settled on buying cake to keep betwixt mines teef at nights to stop the grinding. Mine teef grinding that is not mines hips grinding. A gal needs a good twerk sometimes. Then, to stop me sucking she tried to sell me a new toof to go in the gap where the other dentist took one out two years ago. I like sucking I told her. I will stick a toffee in that gap and that should stop the sucking that displeases you and the kind of sucking I like can stay. I don't want one of thems false teeth. Mines Little Sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion) has one of these and it be nuffin but trouble. She even has to carry superglue in her handbag in case it breaks. The toof not the handbag. Although it did come in handy when her shoe broke and we was having a seaside day. I only had a ball of string. And ye all knows ye can't mend teef wiv string.

Mines Mr Husband has been getting the gardening done for me. He is currently have trouble with a whole herd of starlings attacking his fat balls. Tis very disconcerting for the tits it is. Mines Mr Husband do not display fat balls to attract starlings- only the tits. To be fair I do have a nice pair of tits who are eyeing up the little box I have put on the fence for them. I think we have a sale there guys.

Porky and Mess (the party size gateaux shaped people across the road- you remember them? Yes you do- I told you- she has an integrated bike rack-) they went to a party last week. I know. I seen thems loading up the car with cakes. And he had a clean shirt on. I followed them- well the cake called me- 'follow us, follow us'. So I did. They went to a party. I wasn't allowed in. Apparently they told the policemans I was stalking them. I said 'not strictly true your honour- I was stalking the cake- i have developed a dependency since hitting the menopause'. Talking of strictly I must remember to watch the results tonight. I felt sorry for poor old Tess Daley. She can only afford a dress with one sleeve. All that money the BBC takes in licence fees as well. I think I might drop a line to the secretary general or whatever he is.

Thats yer lot for this week folks. Its time for some Elvis whilst I lay on the floor waving me legs about and thrusting me pelvic floor muscles. Gotta keep thems hips moving.

An Awfur and collecting Mines Oscar- Not a tit in sight

What an exciting and exhausting week it has been guys. I am now an published author of my own take on fairy tales- The three Little Pigs is now landing on peoples door mats and kindles as we speak. My own proof copies are now off the press and winging their way to me from New York. I want to thank everyone who has encouraged me to write this. You all know who ye are! If ye haven't ordered a copy ye can do so on Amazon right now!! If you have it already many, many thanks. Please tell your friends and don't forgot to go to Amazon and leave a review so it can be pushed up the rankings. I will post an address later for those who want to send me copies to sign. (Waterstones aren't quite ready for me yet!!)

Whoopee- I am an author. You all have a friend now who is an author! Mines little sister (with the issues and the day confusion) has a big sister who is an author. Mine childrens now have a mother who is an author. Bugger, that reminds me I should have got some champagne in. 15 years ago I had a breakdown- or a breakthrough as I like to call it. It changed me entire a life. I lost a lot of precious people and things including the will to live. I want to thank my husband Steven who has endured some of the toughest and hardest challenges with me and his patience is unending. Although sometimes he gets on me piggin nerves, tis true. I also want to thank a very special friend who has been there for the last thirteen years with a constant stream of letters, cards and texts. Her friendship helped through some very dark times in the early days. So a massive thank you to Dianne and her girls Cassie and Kayla. You came into my life when I needed you and you have stayed there and been constant. I wouldn't be here now if it were not for you and mines Mr Husband. I will do this speech again when I am collecting my Oscar. Now I am off to write todays status!! Ye can't wait can ye? I have to have me Cod liver oil first to oil me cogs. Catchas all later.....

Photographing me tits down in the woods and getting Deeper in the Bush

Was off to a good start today:
Epsom Salt Bath had.......Check
Thyroxin...........Check
Workout and sing-along with Beth and Elvis.......Check
Cod Liver Oil (yuk) and fruit juice.......Check
CBD oil ................Check
Live yogurt, Nuts and Coconut...........Check
Lavender Tea..................Check
Then just waiting for me Rice Krispies to tell me what to do!



I Know ye all wondering what instructions the rice krispies gave me today. Well they told me to take mines Mr Husband garden centre shopping- he has truly only just stopped sulking!! It was a bargain- buy one rose bush and get one free. He said 'we only come for a bag of potting compost'. I said 'Me little garden will be all pretty and smell fragrant next year, stop ye whining man. Not many girls got pretty and fragrant gardens so be thankful'. Then, after lunch that we didn't have, he decided to take me in the woods. I think it was all the garden talk. 'Let's go deep in the bush', he said. Sounded good to me. I couldn't wait to get in the woods. Soon as I did I stripped off and laid down on a nice little patch of woods. 'oh ye gods woman, what be ye doing. Put ye clothes on'. I was confused to be honest. 'Ye said ye were going to take me in the woods', I said. I was looking forward to this all the way here. He just looked at me like I was a mad woman. 'Yeah, to take photographs' he said. 'Glad ye cleared that up then' I said, 'I won't be putting me clothes back on just yet, ye can do some au natural pics' I told him as I draped over a log. (I got feckin splinters in places I can't show me mother). He shook his head- tis not good when he shakes his head. ' I was thinking more of taking pics of the tits', he said. That was easier to understand. Why didn't he say that in the first place? 'I just put me trousies back on then' I said. 'Tis going to be a topless shoot- I can do that'. He made me put ALL my clothes back on. I told him some men would give thems high teeth to photograph me topless'. He said 'I can photograph ye topless'. Then he took his shirt off. It was all very confusing. After that we went deeper and deeper into the bush because I thought I spied ye olde woodpecker (and a couple of parrots) until we were 'temporarily geographically misplaced' (lost to you and I, but the thinks he is posh- I told him even my mate Dave in Downing Street don't say 'people keep telling me to get geographically misplaced' and he is posh!). 'Ye feckin eejit', I said 'Ye have got us lost now'. He said 'Not I- I was just following you'. 'Oh that's right', I shouted 'Blame me why don't ye'. Then he started all that argumentative crap like 'YOU were leading. You were in front. You said 'this is the way-follow me'. My argument is this- He could have turned round and gone the other way at any time he liked. He said 'Then ye would have been temporarily geographically misplaced all on ye own'. Well at least I would have only had two of us to argue with and not three!! Still he got some nice pictures but I don't think he will putting them up for ye all to see. He be a meanie ass with his photos

Knicker Elastic, Big Chests and Dentists.

We are supposed to be going to the dentist today. Well I am. Mines Mr Husband doesn't do dentists. He think they just rips you off. However, he is very poorly so we might not be able to go because I still travel all the way to Burnham on Sea to the dentist. He says 'why don't ye get a dentist nearer to home?'. I do say to him 'cos they knows me teef up there they do- I been going there for twenty three years and I don't see the need to change'. He shakes his little nearly bald head. 'But t'is a new dentist now- she won't know ye teeth'. I pointed out that now she can have the pleasure of getting to know them one by one. He shud be thankful I don't still go to the dentist in Leicester. But if he is poorly today as was yesterday we shall stay home. He complained of something heavy sitting on his chest all day yesterday. 'My chest is heavy' he complained. 'Welcome to mines feckin world', I said 'I bet that be that green monster thingy from the advert. You need CORVONIA' I sang loudly at him- just like Ainsley does. He did jump a little-his feet almost left the ground and his coffee nearly left his hand..... 'for feck sake woman, why did ye have to do that?'- 'Well' I said 'I be just checking it ain't your heart- now go take ye blood pressure'. He told me off before for making people jump. Like on holiday with the family size gateau from Iceland woman on the zebra crossing who was wearing her trousers at half mast to reveal the largest white undergarment (they can be purchased at camping continental- they was inside out I am guessing to get maximum use outta them- they don't come cheap that size I am guessing)- Bridget Jones eat your heart out. She stopped momentarily to get her breath on the crossing. I don't know what made me do it but I twanged her knicker elastic- T'was a much bigger reverberation than I expected and T'was a large sharp intake of breath and a forgetting of which end to breath out of it. She did the same. All I said was ' See thees got thee surrender knickers on today then flower'. I think it must have been the knicker elastic twanging back and smacking her arse that made her jump. Good job I was able to move quicker than her- and that was with me arferitis. Mines Mr Husband told me off for that 'leave people alone' he said. 'I told ye to behave on this holiday'. I did behave- honest- that was me being good!! T'was a good job mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion) wasn't with me. She would have tweaked her nipples as well.  If I ain't about today tis because I am at the dentist. Also mines other husband (the one I am having a break from) is poorly too so I will seeing him today to jolly him up a bit. So if ye don't see I much don't forgot to tell all ye friends about me new book. Be good and if ye can't be good don't get caught.x

Sleeping like a baby and out on Amazon

Well chuffed I be. I slept like a baby last night. Cot bumper round me head, one leg out the bars, t'other being held down by me teddy bear to protect me from monsters and a dummy in me eye. Well I made that last bit up- he was in his own bed. Anyway more chuffed than that I am- finally the book made it to Amazon at 11.30 last night whoohoo. It is in in kindle form and is available in paperback. You can view the kindle edition on kindle, phones, other tablets and pcs. You may have to download the kindle app if you don't have it. You can do that easily when you purchase the book. If you want kindle edition it is here :http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B016FTEN66….

If you want a physical copy you can order it from here-https://www.createspace.com/5795061
Physical copies will still be sent from Amazon Uk and the price is a little higher than kindle obviously. I only wanted to charge a small amount but they only give you a tiny percentage of the royalties that way. So the kindle edition is £3.29 and the physical copy is £4.99.
Go on- you know you want to. And when you have read it -please leave reviews it will push it up the rankings.
Whoohoo!

A cornish Affair, Creamed Nipples and Candy Floss

I know ye are all wondering why I haven't told ye all about me holidays. Well I have been in a very dark place since I got back- yes I been locked in the cupboard under the feckin stairs again. Note to self ; ask mines Mr Husband to buy me a new cupboard under the stairs as current one has been filled to full capacity with ironing. Needs mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion) to come and do mines ironing. She likes ironing. Anyways I am out of cupboard now- I was forced out by the ironing board in t'end. So do ye want to know what I got up to?Of course ye do- so yer goes me ol' babbers.

T'was a nice manor we stayed at-  it had a lovely welsh dresser for all me ornaments and nails in the walls for me pictures. See I told ye all I needed to take me ornaments. Fortunately I did sneak a few in when Mines Mr Husband wasn't looking. The bed was lumpy. I tell ye before I am like the princess and the pea. If some buggar has peed in a bed before me I know. One was too hard. One was too soft. And there wasn't one just right. And same goes for beds. I know how feckin Goldilocks felt now- poor cow. Noah knocked three times for his furniture back- but T'was clean enough I guess for someone like me with OCD. I did take me own cleaning stuff though. Took mines Poor old Mr Husband six trips up and down to unpack the car and eight when we was leaving!

We walked over hill and over dale, up and down the cliffs and many steps. Mines poor, poor feckin hips- never knowed now't like it in thems little lives. But T'was all to see some breathtaking scenery and I am officially in love with it- all over again. Infact if I ever have to choose betwixt Cornish Cliff and mines Mr Husband tis going to be a tight choice I can tell ye. He best just hope I am never forced to choose at a time when he is getting on me piggin nerves. At one time, ye never guess what I did on the cliff top- I actually went beyond a sign that said 'DO NOT GO BEYOND THIS POINT'. Tis true I feckin did. And it felt great. I was being rebellious. More rebellious than putting a teabag in the wrong recycling bin. Mines Mr Husband was shocked. He thought I would fall. Still he was the one who went and sat like a cockle on a rock way too high.

We photographed this and we photographed that. I took 1000 pictures on mines camera and then I took another 400 on mines phone! Sometimes I even wandered away from mines Mr Husband. Yep I did. I was a real dare devil on mines holidays. I photographed a kestrel above mines head and bull in a field. Dozens of rocks and much water and many waves and hundreds of boats. But I loved every minute of it.

One day whilst we was there T'was our 6th wedding anniversary. Mines Mr Husband hadn't got me nothing just yet but I didn't cry or nuffin. I got him a Terry Pratchett book and then we went out all day- that must have been torture for him (not that I bought him a book- the fact he had to leave whilst we went out) so I think we are even. We found a nice little cafe in a campsite. I ordered a cream tea. T'was two heart shaped, freshly baked scones. So fresh they was warm. The nice person who brought them to me said 'shall ye be sharing these?' -( I really don't know what all this sharing stuff is all about!) Mines Mr husband was just about to say Yes- when I grabbed the plate and glared at him and then at her 'No we feckin shan't' I said 'He can get his own'. And I tell ye I ate them both. And I didn't even feel guilty. Not even sick. 'Put your top back on please' mines Mr Husband said 'Tis rude of ye to be topless in this nice little cafe'. I explained I didn't want to get jam and cream on me best tee shirt. He said 'but ye will ruin ye nipples- put them away before ye gets arrested- again'. Then mines Mr Husband took me to Newquay. Newquay has special memories for me of happy times with mines little children when we all lived together and we was happy. We wandered round and round photographing this and photographing that. T'was a happy day and I kept thinking about the scones. Infact I have thought about them scones every day since I got home. I can't get the image of thems scones outta  me head I tell ye. I think I am becoming pastry dependant. And I am supposed to be pastry intolerant if truth be known but it happens to menopausal woman this pastry dependency. It shows no consideration for ye intolerances. Ye also become intolerant to fools (of the people variety not the gooseberry variety) and bullshit. Apparently. I also managed to find, much to my excitement, a couple of dead pheasants at the side of the road. I was going to give these to mines Mr Husband for his anniversary also. He said he didn't want them and he would make do with a cheese toasty. Then I got quite excited because I seen a weasel. This is the first time I have seen a real weasel. Ever. 'What it is it?' I asked mines Mr Husband. 'Tis a weasel mines little fruitcake', he said. 'I will get it thee for our anniversary', I offered. 'But tis dead', he said. T'was true, it was a weasel that had already popped. But nevertheless if its the first time ever you have seen one tis still exciting. Mines Mr Husband said he didn't want it. But I have decided that Cornwall not only offers the best scenery ever it also has the best presents ever- even if they are dead. Dead is good because tis money saving. Down yer in Devon we only get dead mice and dead blackbirds. Oh and the odd old welly.

We went to Padstow. T'was there I spotted a cake shop. I was cooing- face glued to glass. 'Get thee behind me Satan' I said. He did. Then he pushed me right feckin in. It was a cake shop that belong to a certain celebrity chef. I eyed up a pair of delicious looking meringues filled with cream. Mines Mr Husband was going to buythem for me. Then he looked at the price tag of £6.50 each and turn'd me round to face the door again- a bit sharpish if you ask me. Made me quite giddy. Think he was trying to erase me memory. He do sometimes think he is Superman. It would take more than Superman to make me forget a pair of meringues like that. No meringues for me from there. Told ya he pisses on me chips. And now he is pissing on me meringues. Can't get the image of they meringues outta me head I tell ye. Then we went to the beach. I found mines Mr Husband a nice bit of cuttlefish. I told him it would be good to sharpen his beak or something on . He threw it back in the sea. I could have give that to a budgie. Mines Mr Husband pointed to a sign that said you couldn't take things of this beach. I put a couple of pebbles in me pocket because I was in a rebellious mood on this holiday. There wasn't any shells but T'was a lucky thing I happened to take me own shells on this holiday. Ye never know what thee's going to need on these yer holidays. Nowhere is ever equipped properly in these days of austerity.

We seen David Stow- the bloke who makes the cheese. Well we didn't se him Exactly. We seen the place that was named after his cheese. We seen Michael Stow his brother and Jacob Stow his father.

I asked mines Mr Husband if we could go back because tis mines favourite place Cornwall. He asked why. I said because they like my baps. Tis true. He said 'how do thee know that mines little pumpkin?'. I said 'well when we went there it said Welcome Careful Cornwall drivers and girls with Nice Baps'. (Ye can google Nice Baps in Cornwall if ye likes and ye will see what I mean!). He said 'I think you have many signs mixed up there mines little fruitcake- but I see your points'. He is always looking at my feckin points. Anyways I can only go if I say sorry to some peoples - again!!

I must render apologies to

The men dressed in orange suits with the little orange boat on the beach for pretending I was drowning naked in order for them to rescue me- three times.

The woman jogger on the cliff top- I shouldn't have said 'ye needs to jog a bit faster and harder to shift that fat off ye arse Mrs'. Personally, if she hadn't stopped to give me a gob full, I think she might not have lost her footing and she could well be alive today. Sorry about that. Jogging be dangerous I tell ye.

The screamy kid with the bucket stuck on his head- sorry about that- but ye do look marginally better and it did stop ye screaming for a bit. Tis not my fault ye got sticky out ears and I had to jam it on really hard to fit 'em in. Nice spade by the way. Using it in me garden at home now.

To the woman I pinched the meringue from in Padstow- ye just don't know the trouble I had to go to get that out of thee hand. Lot of sneaking up on thee. I ain't got 320 vision like a feckin seagull ye know. Had to take me chances where I could and I was verily tormented by ye licking that in front of me. And to be fair you didn't need it- ye got enough feckin fat to be dealin with there ye do.

To that little girl - It was wrong of me to snaffle thee candy floss, but T'was really bad for a little girl to have so much candy floss. I told ye before- all ye teeth will fall out and your nipples will go green and the boys won't want thee.

The man with the hand gliding thingy on top of cliff that I gave a little push too. How the feck was I supposed to know ye wasn't ready- thee didn't say ye wasn't yet attached to ye doofer watsit. Ye silly old fool (dead fool- Rest in Peace Chap).

The young girl in the gift shop in front of me for givin thee a wedgie and making thee scream. Ye shouldn't wear thongs a) too small and b) showing over thee jeans.

That be it- I surely ain't apologising to the rest. I just hope that somebody dug out they three kids that I buried in the sand up to their necks before the tide comes in.

Final note- I am still trying to work out why that woman came into the museum and asked that man that strange question 'Excuse me, do you mind if I wash me hands up your little back passage?'. More curious was his answer ' not at all- go right ahead'. Made my day you two peoples did. Just glad I didn't watch.

So there ye goes folks. That was a snippet of mines holidays for ye.

Naked Eclipse, Smacking Cute Arses and Loo Rolls

Saturday Night - I know it's late but I am treating the neighbours to a little 'welcome home Beth sing-along with Beth and Elvis' with head phones cos tis their favourite. Mines Mr Husband is treating the neighbours out the back to a little 'Steven welcome home 'snore, cough and sneeze along with Steve' without headphones. Soooo good to be back in our own beds and sharing stuff with the neighbours. I bet they don't even appreciate how feckin good and caring we are to them.

Sunday - Tonight is a bloody moon and an eclipse- so I am ready yet again. Colander at the ready and knife in case I need to sacrifice anyone (apparently that's what we were supposed to do at the last one- don't hurt to be prepared is what I say)!

Monday Evening -Well I think T'was very nice that moony thingy last night/this morning at a most unsociable hour. Seemed like I was the only one in this road to be out in me bedtime attire- and before ye asks- well yes I do only wear fluffy socks to bed and nothing else. Of course I didn't go out into the moonlight in just be fluffy socks. What do ye take me for? I had me colander on as well although to be honest I did strain me eyes a bit. Not only did it seem like I was the only one out in the road at this ungodly hour to partake of the spectacle 'not coming round again for many years eclipse' I was the only one out there. I stood in the middle of the road and didn't get knocked down even- that's how alone I was. T'was very nipply out there. Not well today. Think I caught a chill. So here I be, tucked up in bed, browsing for birthday gifts for mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion). I could have got something last week but I was told the world would end today and I didn't wanna waste me money. I am also having a very croaky sing-along with Beth and Elvis (cos me throat is sore) so extra special treat for me neighbours. I think they must be cold tonight cos they have shut the Windows. But I will just sing louder and croakier.

Tuesday- All the way home from Tesco mines Mr Husband was asking me 'Why? Why did you have to do it? Why is all I ask!' That's how he went. 'Oh feckin alright' (I was fed up of his asking now)- ' I did it because he was hunky and had a cute arse and was bent over in front of me and I couldn't resist'. He wasn't going to let me get away with that. 'But for god's damn sake woman- he was the manager and ye should not slap the managers arse no matter how tempted you are'. I argued my case 'Well I couldn't see his face- just that feckin cute arse. People really shouldn't bend over in front of me'. He was quiet for a moment. Then he said ' And what about that woman? Why? Why do you have to go and throw your arms around her and say 'It's really lovely to see you working in here'- she looked feckin terrified'. 'Ah that's easy to answer as well', I said 'It is Kathy my friend'. He tutted and sighed. 'I keep telling you, tis NOT Kathy'. 'Well she looks like Kathy' I said ' I am sure that Kathy is leading a double life'. He looked a bit frustrated if ye ask me. 'She banged her when she fell to the ground- she thought you was mugging her- its a good job I was with you and told her you hadn't had your medication yet. Ye would be locked up again ye would'. Then he shakes his head and says 'I am not taking ye shopping not no more- in future ye shall give me a list and ye can stay at home and stop showing me up'. Anyways I don't care I don't like shopping. Ye do ye best to bring a bit of spice into the life of a supermarket and all ye get is 'don't do this, don't that, don't sit in the ice cream section of the freezers to cool yeself off with no clothes on, don't be twerking, don't be telling the woman on the till that ye are going naked pole dancing after with a traffic warden'. I give up!

Thursday- Yesterday was a good day- Mines Mr Husband bought me Roy Orbison Black and White Night- being trying to get that for ages. He said 'I seen that on your Amazon wish list'. Personally I think I am lucky he got that because on that list is a toilet roll holder, paper toilet seat covers and a bulk buy pack of loo rolls- (you see a theme there emerging don't ye?). I also managed to buy five mirrors for her with bump next doors pussy- it is a bit out of control to say the least. I am now hoping it will bring some control back in it's life.  Also got a free air freshener at the car wash- Mines Mr husband said yer put that in yer drawers-now I am walking a bit funny but I smell nice. Today's top tip from Beth's world of top tips is this - no matter what your problems everything is only temporary and it shall pass. Yesterday was temporary and it passed. Today is temporary and it too shall pass. Tomorrow will be temporary and it shall too pass. Everything is temporary- apart from Bruce Forsyth. Looks like we are stuck with him.

Ye will notice I missed Wednesday out because that's how I roll some weeks- I miss out complete days just for the sheer hell of it. Although I was in a rebellious mood and I did put a teabag in the wrong bin. And even worse than that I don't even care!

Catch yous all laters me ol' babbers. Have a good day.