Happy New Year, Hot Glass and Hot Top Tits 2019

 What you all been waiting for here are few Beths hot top tits for 2019.

Don’t say you hope for a better year this year- make this year better for yourself. You have to put the effort in for change- yeah- really- so get off yer arse and get about it.

 Follow your dreams- don’t follow mine- you can only but imagine what happens in mine- they are weird!

Ditch the dumb ass and the waste of space-you don’t want that hanging round yer arse like a wet nappy forever and a day.

Make your life worth living and make yourself count. I don’t mean sheep and I don’t mean get yourself an abacus or take up maths-maths is for nerds. You only need be able to count slices of cake- i.e. 1. 1 very large one.

 Do something out of the ordinary. Run naked round town or along the sea wall. Ask a complete stranger to do a willy wave at you- or better still ask for his address. Only if he is hot to trot though.

 Don’t  step on hot glass because I tried this in 2018- it’s horrible.

If you are intending to move house this year, find the one you like, mark your territory- pee on the doorstep. It works. (Tested and proven  by yours truly).

Dance in the rain, and the snow and the sun and sing loud- sing –a- long with Beth and Elvis and Bob topless  if you like. Although Bob don’t do topless in the water- his knob gets soooo cold as it is.

Don’t wait for someone to visit you- visit them. Maybe they can’t get to you very easily. Maybe they got a dodgy hip or no toes. I know someone with no toes. It’s a pobble.

Don’t be hard on someone because they are not doing what YOU expect and don’t be hard because they didn’t bring you a gift. You have no idea what other people are going through. (Could be bankruptcy- some of us will).

And remember pamper youself and take time for youself. It’s ok to be everything to everyone- but not at the cost of your health. The world is running out of straight jackets.

Remember the 2^nd of January is baby making day. Get in there my friends- unless you don’t want a baby- in this instance you have pancake day to look forward to!

Now go get sober and get theeself down to the Dunelm sale – I hear bath mats are on offer.

Baggy Pussy, Manky Wanky Donkeys and the Smurf

WE had a fandabbydoozy watsit time today. Firstly I went to see mines other husband, the first one. He was telling us all about his girlfriends baggypussy. TMI I declared. Well Mines other Mr Husband says he was telling me about his girlfriends bag puss which is not the same thing at all. Then we went to see mines friend Kathy and that was a special treat for her. I do miss her loads. Then we went to see mines mother and mines father. They was excited to see us. Mines father was reading his post and he was deciding whether to help a homeless person for £22.50. I said 'noooo, don't do that- I did that two years ago and he won't leave now'. He said 'well to be fair he does go to work, and he does pay the rent and snuggle up to ye in bed to keep ye warm'. (Tis not strictly true- he does have his own bed because of the problem of farting and snoring- mine- he can't be coping with it he says. I tells him, I can't help it- I have a thyroid and stuff '). Then I mentioned to mines mother that it be that time of the year when the adverts are on. Ye can pay three squids only for a snow leopard and/or a wonkey donkey. I have several. (Still waiting on the polar bear but tis a long way from the artic and also we have moved since I ordered him). She said (mines mother- do keep up!!), she said 'now then our Beth, don't be ordering anymore wonkey donkeys now ye lives in a skinny bitch house- thees haven't the room'. I oncurred. Also I agreed. I told her 'well some of them do look a bit manky this year too as well as wonkey- I think they be left over from last Christmas'. She said ' Well ye don't be wanting a manky,wanky donkey'. I know. That is exactly what she said. The room fell silent for a minute whilst we all ingested what this Christian walmart of a woman said. We were shocked to the core. Mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe- by her own admission) repeated it several times whilst rolling around laughing. She was like a feckin three year old. I sent mines mother off to do three hell Marys and make a cuppa tea. I seen another woman in Burnham with accidental blue hair. I know it was accidental because it was just blobs on the top- all blobbed about. Nobody does that on purpose! But tis how they roll over there in Burnham. Anyways we had chocolate cake so all is good. I came home and took me frock off to remove me bra only to find I turned into a feckin smurf again. I shall not be panicking like last time. I just shall get some blue hair dye and to hell with it. I hope ye all appreciate this post. My arferitis has been a bugger and a half today and me leg has locked up and mines Mr Husband is having to drag me naked around the bedroom to try to uncease me!!

Virgin Showering, A good 8 Inches and cold arse

           Ye Gods- I am tired of this skinny bitch shower. Ye knows we have this skinny bitch house with a skinny bitch shower cubicle. It measures just three feet by three feet ( a metre square for you peoples born after 1990)- us oldies are better with feet and inches. Ye know where ye are with 8 inches. (Heaven!!). Tis no good this ere shower for cake shaped peoples like me and mines Mr Husband. We have had to learn to do the vertical limbo to get in. There is no where to put thee shower gel and thee shampoo. Fact. So I bought a hanging thingymajig with a hook to hang from the shower itself. Was okish but it squealed like a nervous virgin against the wall every time it got touched. Think blackboards and nails. I couldn't stand it anymore. Or hang it. So I bought a new one. Very similar but with plastic coating and added suction pads and an extra little shelfy thing to put extra shampoos and whatnots. The downside was the shampoos and whatnots had to lay down. Not too bad I thought. Until today when I got in the shower. It obstructed the shower so the shower kept turning round and pointing at the wall. I can't even begin to tell you the position I had to get into to get wet. Then the damn shelfy thing kept moving about. So I took it off the shower and hung it on the door. I knew I wouldn't be able to get out again with it there but I could move it again. I carefully stacked all the bottles on it, turned the shower head back round to face me and low and behold I couldn't move at all because there was no space. I tried to lift the shelfy thing off and hang on another door and all the bottles came off and clouted me on the head and on me feet. No room for doing the jive in there I tell ye. I bent over to pick them up and dabbed me cute arse on the cold tiles which in turn caused me to bang me head on the knob. The door knob that is. There be no room for two peoples in that shower, even bean pole shaped peoples. I yanked at the shelfy thing which was by now sucked firmly to the door- I slid it to the edge and yanked a bit more- hooray it came off but alas it landed sucker side down on the shower tray. The door flew open and the bathroom was getting soaked, I was yanking at this damn thing to get it off the floor but it was stuck firmly by its suckers- my cute arse hit the cold tiles again and I banged me head on the knob again (same knob- no room for two people- I just told ye that). I continued me shower stood on one leg, wedged in a corner with me head under me arm and me cute arse pressed against the tiles.  And where was Mines Mr Husband-? I hear ye all asking. Well I will tell ye - he was down stairs having his crumpet and never heard the commotion above his head. (Apparently.)  Tomorrow I am having a bath.

Naked Eclipse, Smacking Cute Arses and Loo Rolls

Saturday Night - I know it's late but I am treating the neighbours to a little 'welcome home Beth sing-along with Beth and Elvis' with head phones cos tis their favourite. Mines Mr Husband is treating the neighbours out the back to a little 'Steven welcome home 'snore, cough and sneeze along with Steve' without headphones. Soooo good to be back in our own beds and sharing stuff with the neighbours. I bet they don't even appreciate how feckin good and caring we are to them.

Sunday - Tonight is a bloody moon and an eclipse- so I am ready yet again. Colander at the ready and knife in case I need to sacrifice anyone (apparently that's what we were supposed to do at the last one- don't hurt to be prepared is what I say)!

Monday Evening -Well I think T'was very nice that moony thingy last night/this morning at a most unsociable hour. Seemed like I was the only one in this road to be out in me bedtime attire- and before ye asks- well yes I do only wear fluffy socks to bed and nothing else. Of course I didn't go out into the moonlight in just be fluffy socks. What do ye take me for? I had me colander on as well although to be honest I did strain me eyes a bit. Not only did it seem like I was the only one out in the road at this ungodly hour to partake of the spectacle 'not coming round again for many years eclipse' I was the only one out there. I stood in the middle of the road and didn't get knocked down even- that's how alone I was. T'was very nipply out there. Not well today. Think I caught a chill. So here I be, tucked up in bed, browsing for birthday gifts for mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion). I could have got something last week but I was told the world would end today and I didn't wanna waste me money. I am also having a very croaky sing-along with Beth and Elvis (cos me throat is sore) so extra special treat for me neighbours. I think they must be cold tonight cos they have shut the Windows. But I will just sing louder and croakier.

Tuesday- All the way home from Tesco mines Mr Husband was asking me 'Why? Why did you have to do it? Why is all I ask!' That's how he went. 'Oh feckin alright' (I was fed up of his asking now)- ' I did it because he was hunky and had a cute arse and was bent over in front of me and I couldn't resist'. He wasn't going to let me get away with that. 'But for god's damn sake woman- he was the manager and ye should not slap the managers arse no matter how tempted you are'. I argued my case 'Well I couldn't see his face- just that feckin cute arse. People really shouldn't bend over in front of me'. He was quiet for a moment. Then he said ' And what about that woman? Why? Why do you have to go and throw your arms around her and say 'It's really lovely to see you working in here'- she looked feckin terrified'. 'Ah that's easy to answer as well', I said 'It is Kathy my friend'. He tutted and sighed. 'I keep telling you, tis NOT Kathy'. 'Well she looks like Kathy' I said ' I am sure that Kathy is leading a double life'. He looked a bit frustrated if ye ask me. 'She banged her when she fell to the ground- she thought you was mugging her- its a good job I was with you and told her you hadn't had your medication yet. Ye would be locked up again ye would'. Then he shakes his head and says 'I am not taking ye shopping not no more- in future ye shall give me a list and ye can stay at home and stop showing me up'. Anyways I don't care I don't like shopping. Ye do ye best to bring a bit of spice into the life of a supermarket and all ye get is 'don't do this, don't that, don't sit in the ice cream section of the freezers to cool yeself off with no clothes on, don't be twerking, don't be telling the woman on the till that ye are going naked pole dancing after with a traffic warden'. I give up!

Thursday- Yesterday was a good day- Mines Mr Husband bought me Roy Orbison Black and White Night- being trying to get that for ages. He said 'I seen that on your Amazon wish list'. Personally I think I am lucky he got that because on that list is a toilet roll holder, paper toilet seat covers and a bulk buy pack of loo rolls- (you see a theme there emerging don't ye?). I also managed to buy five mirrors for her with bump next doors pussy- it is a bit out of control to say the least. I am now hoping it will bring some control back in it's life.  Also got a free air freshener at the car wash- Mines Mr husband said yer put that in yer drawers-now I am walking a bit funny but I smell nice. Today's top tip from Beth's world of top tips is this - no matter what your problems everything is only temporary and it shall pass. Yesterday was temporary and it passed. Today is temporary and it too shall pass. Tomorrow will be temporary and it shall too pass. Everything is temporary- apart from Bruce Forsyth. Looks like we are stuck with him.

Ye will notice I missed Wednesday out because that's how I roll some weeks- I miss out complete days just for the sheer hell of it. Although I was in a rebellious mood and I did put a teabag in the wrong bin. And even worse than that I don't even care!

Catch yous all laters me ol' babbers. Have a good day.

Cracks, Labias flapping and crabs................

Mines Mr Husband took me for a little amble yesterday- on account of him being at work the rest of the week and to stop boredom and rigamortis setting in for me whilst he is there. We started off in a grand little place called Shaldon and somehow ended up in Torquay- we are quite fond of Torquay. However, he has told me I cannot again unless I issue the following apologies- so here goes: Apologies to

To the little fat kid whom I asked for a lick of his ice cream- despite your refusal I did manage to get the chocolate flake. In my defence I have to say I do have a chocolate addiction. And I am sorry for telling you the Karma bogey man would get you if you didn't share.

To the old man and the old woman on the bench- I shouldn't have told you the grim reaper was stood behind you just to get you to move off that bench - to be fair it did backfire a bit because as it turns out he was stood behind you- and to the old lady- I am sorry to hear about your loss.

To the girl in the lime green boob tube dress thingy- I probably shouldn't have told you that it was two sizes to small and we could see you your two sizes too small thong, a spare tyre and almost all of your white?? bra and your bra labels 34b flapping around in the breeze. I bet with that thong being two sizes too small your labels on your bra weren't the only thing flapping in the breeze.

To ALL of the party size gateaux from Iceland shaped women with legs like tree trunks who thought for some reason it would be a good idea to wear mini skirts and size 12 shorts and treat us all to thigh slapping and severe flesh wobbling and crack flashing I apologise for pointing it out- although really? Come on- I know you are on holiday but just because you are party size gateaux from Iceland shaped you can't where is my sense of decency where other people are eating. Nuff said.

To the young man carrying the rather large (empty) crab bucket- I probably shouldn't have pointed out that the girl you were with would soon fill that for you if you carried on dating her- and I know you think I might not know her from Adam but trust me on this- she is definitely not Adam!

To the two mothers on the seafront who were busy looking at their phones- I swapped your babies over but you probably still haven't looked up yet. The baby in the blue sun hat needs his arse changing btw.

I cannot apologise to the young man who I am sure was Harry Styles for winking and twerking in your one direction. Serves you right for smiling in mine!

Also I cannot apologise to the young man to whom I gave my hairbrush- 'Just got out of bed hairstyle, and can you see last nights pizza's and a used condom in it'- Torquay is not the place to sport it. I spent all feckin day trying to get people to look respectable and sort themselves out and then you come along and spoil the whole town with that hair. Get a grip man- or a packet full and pin some of it into place.

To mines Mr Husband - I hope these apologies suffice and please take me again...........

What type of Pussy is yours Madam? and Down on all Fours!

Tis quite quiet round ye know. I think all the kids in the neighbourhood are off with all their fathers and sperm donors for the summer holidays. Ye haven't heard me rave about the neighbours much yet. Well apart from Chloe and Daddy and his brats two doors down. And ye I did mention she next door at 19 - the ironing board shaped one with nice shaped bottom. The other night I heard someone running down our stairs at 4am. I mentioned this to mines Mr Husband. He said it wasn't him. He was tucked up in his little bed. He suggested it may have been one of the neighbours- perhaps her next door- the ironing board shaped one with the nice shaped bottom. I would like to know why she was running down OUR stairs at 4am in the morning. I may have to have words with her. She could be a little more quiet going down our stairs at such an ungodly hour. Also I may have mentioned the skinny bitches over the road and their penchant for jogging which seems to have stopped since I growled at them when I was having a little stroll around the block one morning. Don't trust skinny people who jog and don't eat cake. Over there also are Porky and Mess who are more Pork pie and Cake shaped and most certainly wouldn't let a dirty word like 'jogging' pass their lips- no room to let it- everything else is busy passing through their lips. Also they like Pizza- big ones. And they like soft loo rolls. I know this because I seen them take some in with the shopping. I always wondered what kind of people ate soft loo rolls. Such people do exist! Google it. I thought she had a scruffy ginger pussy and then I thought she had an altogether much neater black one- but I seen Porky refusing it at the entrance the other day so I am not sure which pussy is hers. Or even if she has one! Oe-er, all these pussies must belong somewhere. I have yet to encounter Jamie, wife and bump next door. I have seen the back of her (skinny bitch) and her bump- she has a very unkempt black and white pussy. But as I have said before- bitches with bumps just don't be having the time or inclination to be keeping thems pussies neat. They can't see much below thems bumps and even if an unkempt pussy winds itself around your legs you can only feel it and not necessarily see it. I trust when bump has arrived pussy will get some attention if it is lucky. I have  glimpsed him (Jamie) as he went by in the car. He has a beard and an elbow. She at number 25 has new windows. Over back in t'social housing - the cake shaped woman that squeezes into a bright yellow dress and has dyed red hair- well I haven't seen them for ages. That trampoline will be rusty soon. I may have to go over and just have a bounce or two so I can see through windows to see what is going on. On corner, up yonder, in big house she got a lot of kids. They be all different-like the league of feckin nations. Usually her kids can be seen playing in middle of road- the sort that stand and stare at you like you have no business driving your car in the road where they are playing quite happily. How very dare we? Saturdays is quiet when a whole load of dads line up on the path to collect his child. Or even someone else's - who even knows? We like Saturdays -at least we can drive confidently down the road without fear of a little urchin lurching itself out in front of us and giving us the evil eye. On this corner here a little yappy dog seems to be the sole inhabitant of the house. No-one goes in and no-one comes out. The little dog yaps and yaps. No-one goes in and no-one comes out. No wonder for that little dog's yapping gets right on ye tits. But fear ye not friends for I shall continue to watch and make notes. But I leave ye with one of me tips because I want to be going out now to buy some pink grass:

Tip of the night- I say night- 6.45am is the middle of the night for me- don't go knocking over a glass of bitter lemon juice off ye bedside when he husband sneaks into ye for a cuddle. Why? (No- not why did he he sneak in for cuddle- he always be doing that)- but why not knock a glass of bitter lemon juice off ye bedside? Cos it makes a feckin mess I tell ye. Ye give the landlord sticky patches in places he didn't know he had places. Also Ye gets yeself sticky drawers and knobs and cracks. 6.45am I was naked (all bar one fluffy bed sock) down on me hands and knees, arse (cute) in the air, with soapy water and sponge trying to clean sticky patches off carpet and off drawers and Knobs and Cracks!! Then I says to mines Mr Husband who was running round naked like a headless chicken- 'I think I shall get a rug down yer'- and he said 'just don't be trimming for a week me little fruitcake'. I inhaled his remark and repeated ' I think I shall get a rug down yer'- and he said 'that won't be all ye shall be getting if ye staying in that position for much longer- ye shall be getting a stiff neck'. Ye see guys what I have to put up with- he be wicked!