Camel Toes, Neon Fish and Knickers

Hows it all going me ol' babbers. I am still at it. Adventuring and writing. Getting ready for the big adventure of me life. Well that will be death probably but that be another story. I found out this week tis a lot of money to take the cable car up the Ben Nevis on our holiday. They do have cake up there at the top. But Mines Mr Husband won't want to pay all that money to go up in the cable car so he won't. So I shall crawl up on me hands and knees so I shall. I just hope they still got cake by the times I gets there.

 Tuesday: That was a successful trip taking mines Mr Husband to the Doctor. I could be a Doctor. I told him what was wrong with him and what he needed- before he went. I could do that job. Then Mines Mr Husband came home and said 'I have a list of questions now'- I told him he better make another appointment. He said 'No, not for the Doctor- for you'- I felt highly honoured he respects my doctoring skills.  'Fire away' I says. Then he asks these non essential questions:

'Why did ye give all the little neon fish from the tank to the young boy?' - Well I wasn't expecting that but I thought he be working up to the important question. 'Well', I tells him - 'T'was one for every spot on his little face'. He said 'It was acne, he is a teenager'. Tis true, but it cheered  him up. The receptionist......... less so. Then he said 'And why did ye ask that old man if he had peed his trousers and had to borrow his wifes?'. Stupid question I thought. 'Because they was pink trousers and men don't wear pink trousers as a rule'. He said 'Well it matched his shirt'. Now I am worried because Mines Mr Husband has bought a pink shirt today (to match his eyes) and I am not keen on him buying pink trousers to match! Then he said 'And why did you ask that man stood up if it was because he had piles and couldn't sit down and worst of all why did you ask that dear old lady on the crutches if she was here to see the doctor about her camel toe?'. .. 'Because' - I said 'it was yuk, yuk yukkety'.  He said I am not allowed to go to the doctors next time he goes because I can't mind me own Fuk Fuk Fukkety buisness. Umph! Always pissing on me chips that man!!

Thursday: There is some asshole on a motorbike that keeps tearing round this estate at stupid times of sleepiness for the rest of us. But I have a soft spot for him- a swamp at bottom of road- dirty disgusting place tis. In the morning I shall lie in wait for him and flash and jiggle mines boobies. That should throw him.............straight into the swamp! Never let it be said boobies are not useful.

Well after watching years and years of the Air Ram hoover doofer thing now he has invented a bush trimmer. It is very quiet and very light- apparently. Well because I have the frymejelly thingy and I get achey arms I am thinking of getting one of these because apparently it is light enough you can hold it above your head to trim your bush! I thought I may be able to do me fringe and me eyebrows at the same time! Gotta be worth a try.

 Monday: Not long til me holidays now and we are discussing what we will be doing. Mines Mr Husband has suggested we have sex in different hotels. I said 'I am up for that if you are- as long as each different hotel I have it in the whoever is a hot hunk- I don't wanna be just having it with anybody'. Apparently that's not what he meant so he off to work grousing. T'was what I thought he meant. I will be just as happy if there is only cake.x

This arferitis is playing havoc with my fingers and I can't undo lids on things anymore.  'Take me top off' I said to mines Mr Husband. He did. That is why I am naked if you are wondering. We are at the bus stop and I did want the top taking off me drink but I ain't fussy I ain't.

 Saturday: We are experimenting tonight in the bedroom. My bedroom none the less. Yep- I have a new weapon to try in the snore war- tis new ear phones to listen to me Elvis through. I have had a little experiment this morning. Yep me and Elvis and a singalong with Beth and Elvis (just to try out the new earphones ye understands). I don't know if it the neighbours could hear anything or not- they are all gone out now- curious indeedy. On the plus side I didn't hear them go. So thems headphones must work.

FRIDAY: I am toying with going to Tesco and Dunelm all by myself today- I know I have to do the M5 bit to Tesco, and its not going it is coming back- maybe I should be better off just doing co-op- Oh I don't know- I wish I didn't have to make such decisions.....................Just checking traffic- looks like I gotta to avoid London Rd in Leicester. Mmm- tricky- its not exactly on my main route- well it shouldn't be but getting back from Tesco- tis easier to go with the flow.......

FRIDAY afternoon: Well tis very exciting here. I am celebrating with lemonade and a yogurt, I have not only been to Tesco but I have managed to get home. I managed to get home!! Without even going near London Road in Leicester. On the down side, they had turned Tesco completely back to front and I couldn't find anything I wanted. I nearly had a meltdown there and then. Us peoples with Aspergers cannot cope with the supermarket being turned back to front. On the plus side I got meself one and half new boyfirends. One was as old as the hills, one foot in the grave and one on a bar of soap- but we just clicked. I helped him choose new socks for the golf club (he said price wasn't important to him- I thought -'onto a winner ye are here Beth- he be wealthy'). I wasn't sure if it was a good time to talk orgasm socks- he didn't look as if he could cope with that. Especially not in Tesco. Then I help him choose his dandruff shampoo- he wanted the one that was smooth and shiny (for the golf club)- tis true he didn't have a lot of hair but he may not just have been using it on his head. I didn't ask. Tis not my place to pry into old men's personal hygiene habits. Then he helped me choose new knickers and incontinence pads. Seems we really clicked. Then I helped him choose sun tan lotion- for when he is at the golf club. It all happens at this feckin golf club. Then he wandered off - I think he got confused. In the meantime I met another old chap who helped me look for Pizza bases in not one but two aisles but we didn't click quite as much. Looking for Pizza bases is not the same as looking for knickers and socks together. Plus I think he had a wife. That could have made things a little awkward. Then I met up with the other one again in the saucy Aisle. I am in there guys I tell ye. And he got money. And he won't be a pain in the arse cos he will be at the golf club all day. Anyways I ain't been to Dunelm yet. I can't work out how to get to it without coming home and starting again. And I gotta go Co-op for stamps yet. All go yer tis.

Monks and Booby Jiggling

Well how's your week been- this is what mine has been doing:

SUNDAY:Mines Mr Husband took me out for the afternoon. I am not religious as ye knows. I been there, done that and had the guilt trip. The nearest I gets to religious is to say to Satan 'Get thee behind me' when I am outside the cake shop- and he usually pushes me in. Anyways mines Mr Husband takes me to the Abbey up Buckwhatsit. People go there for a religious experience. I didn't want one but its full of monks and I thought they may like a Beth experience. Mines Mr Husband had to remove his cap at the door. I asked if they would like me to remove something- please. They said not. I asked them to think again- I Was willing to remove my entire outfit. I even told them I had new knickers. The answer was still no. 'Bugger' I said- and they frowned and done the sign of the cross over me head. So I lifted me top and jiggled me boobies- it usually cheers men up. Not so Monks. I hope mines Ashley is not getting married in there because I don't think I will be allowed in again. Then Mines Mr Husband took me somewhere less controversial- the river Dart. I got me self a nice canoe. But Mines Mr Husband is always pissing on my chips. He said 'Fruitcake, give the man back his canoe and apologize for tipping him out'. I didn't tip him out. I lifted mines top and jiggled my boobies just as he was going past- he fell out of his own choosing. We are home now- not allowed on adventures for a while!!

MONDAY: So I see Littlewoods are selling breakfast cushions. Seems Porridge is out of fashion these days. I just don't know how I am going to get mines Mr Husband to swallow that one! Might need extra coffee.

TUESDAY: Yay, I made new friends today- although mines Mr Husband is always pissing on my chips- he says that tying people up and keeping them in the cupboard goes above being anti-social. I am not anti-social- quite the opposite in fact.

THURSDAY: A couple of  'not feeling it days'- but that's because mines Mr Husband is at work or asleep all this week and can't get close enough. Oh yeah, and I cut me fringe- I need to do serious top lifting and naked booby jiggling to distract peoples eyes from it. The man in Save the Bernardos shop had a panic attack when I did it. He is not used to any customers (although they did have 15 on the opening day) let alone naked booby jiggling ones .And now here I am, survived another week- but tis another week nearer to the holiday and I still have bath mats to get yet! Feeling a trip to Dunelm coming on..............

WEDNESDAY :Well her across the road, the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped one with the integrated bike rack, is having a baby. An actual baby. A real one! She didn't just have a baby shower for the cake. Neither did she offer me any. However, she left the kitchen windows open so I help me self. It  looked like self service to me so I didn't ask. Anyways, her blokey, the pork pie shaped one also with integrated bike rack (I seen it when he was bent over tending to her tulips in her box), he came and told mines Mr Husband they were having a baby shower cos they were having a baby. I thought t'was just cake. Anyway I said to mines Mr Husband 'When is it going to be born?'- he said 'I don't feckin know- I didn't ask'. I told him- 'well I needs to know- I don't want to be in that day- just in case I have to get involved. I had that problem in the last house when PYT (Pretty Young Thing) next door was having hers and things got late, and difficult and all I had to hand was a bread knife. So I asked him 'Is it a boy or a girl?'- he said he didn't know- he didn't ask and why did it matter. I said 'Because her next door at 23 got a boy- I don't want another boy- it will play havoc with my OCD. I like things to be evened out'. He said 'well we get what comes and its not our business anyway'. He was quite rude to me about it. So then I asked 'how much it weighted and he said he didn't ask because they haven't had it yet. And I was to stop asking so many questions. I still think its pretty damn inconsiderate not to consult the neighbours about planning a baby when we all live so close. People these days have no consideration for others!

Cut me hair with me new doofers with the spirit level on. Someat wrong with that spirit level if ye asks me. Wouldn't stay still. Anyways my advice to anyone buying one of them doofers to cuts thems hair is take your knickers off first. I expect when Mines Mr Husband gets up and comes round from the sleep experience (yep- feckin nights again!) he will advise me go to a hairdresser to get it straightened!

PM: Well mines Mr Husband is up- he has spotted me fringe. He just sighed and said 'oh dear, oh dear- oh dear!' I lifted me top and jiggled me boobies. It has distracted him from me fringe!

FRIDAY: So the lyrics are 'wave my last goodbye' and all this time I been singing wave my ass goodbye'. Thought it was strange. Learns someat new every day you doos.

SATURDAY: Well thats mines Mr Husband Happy. I finally emptied the fairy liquid bottle. He been waiting ages for that so he can build a rocket. Sshhh don't tell him but I refilled it three times! Little divil me.

Swinging Nuts, Orange Socks and Party Poppers

It all happens down by yer so it does!

WEDNESDAY:I bet ye all wondering how the electric man got on ain't ye? He was late for starters. When he comed I was impatient. I opened the door and said 'Eelectric man?'- he had EON on his shirt. He said 'No'. I said 'Have ye brought cake and cookies like it says on me door?'- I pointed the notice out cos these peoples aren't always observant. He said 'No- I come to mend the boiler'. I told him if he hadn't brought cake or cookies I didn't know to let him in or not. He said 'look missus I am a supervisor'. I thought 'ooo-er a supervisor' so I grabbed him by the time and dragged him up me hole'. Then he ran back saying he had to lock the van. He came back willingly. Then he was only yer an hour- he has all his equipment out all over me floor and then he said he had to go cos one of his nuts was sheared off. I don't know if he will come back and finish the job. I bet he will send someone else. The same one never comes twice here. Curious indeedy.

SATURDAY: Hers across the road, the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped one with the integrated bike rack, well let me tell yous she is having a baby shower today. I think it means either she is having a baby: or she is having a shower of babies: or he is hosing her down in the yard- but to tell ye the truth these houses are only for skinny bitches and the showers nion impossible to get into without taking the doors off so he often hoses her down in the yard. To be fair she hoses him down as well.  Sometimes they takes them clothes off. Anyways I am put out they didn't consult me about this baby business. I don't want no more screamy brats in this street- no siree. And ye knows what happens when thems womens haves babies- they lets thems bushes go to wrack and ruin. T'wil be a sight for sore eyes outside this winder. And I guess this means all sorts of carrys on been going on in that house of late. I noticed they been going to bed early. I notice stuff like that.  There are lots of cars in the street today and lots of unknown peoples. I have made a few friends. I told them all I have new knickers. Mines Mr Husband said 'ye din't need to tell everybody'- but I am so pleased with me purchase I want to shout it from the roof top! If any of ye wants to see me knickers I can post a picture!!

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband came in and said 'I have caught a bug'. Caught a bug! 'Oh, ye dirty fecker I hope ye let it go again- or did ye put it in a jar?- Ye should let the bugs fly free don't ye know?'. He looked at me like I didn't know what he was saying. 'No, I caught a bug' he said again- 'I caught a stomach bug'. Well I tell ye I moved away sharpish. 'For feck's sake man- ye can keep that- and don't get near me with that fecker'. He looked a bit sad but I didn't care ' I have to work' he said. 'what can ye give me for the bug- can ye give me anything for me bug?' he asked. I said 'I can indeedy - I can give thee a cork'. So I did (with instructions accordingly). Well, T'was a party popper. I thought it would be much more fun. I don't think he noticed. Not yet anyways!

THURSDAY: Mines Mr Husband was in a rebellious mood last night. He went to work wearing nothing but his orange socks with the smiley face on. It caused quite a stir I can tell thee. Uproar. 'What's wrong with that?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. He ain't supposed to wear orange socks to work! Also the smiley face is a definite no no-(the Big Fat Git who steals peoples promotions from under thems noses says so!). Feckin misery arses if you ask me!

WEDNESDAY PM:

Whenever I walk into the Dr's it's always the same. Take a seat Mrs Lucas- not next to the fish tank; and not in the children's play area; and don't sit at a table and order an all day breakfast. 'I won't' I said - 'that feckin menu is shite- last time I was in all you had on it was nicotine patches, flu injections and bereavement counselling'. 'Please Mrs Lucas, just take a seat'. Sounded a bit tetchy if ye ask me. I did like I was told and took a seat. I took it and sat in the corridor outside Dr Angry Jones room. She has a welsh name. She speaks English. The reception woman said 'you can sit here in the waiting room next to Mr Worth'. I said 'No fanks- he smells of rich tea biscuits and wee'. Anyways Dr Jones said my bloods weren't too good and now I have to see the rumour whatsit thingy doctor up the RDE place. I am not sure about that place. They carried out the wrong procedure on the wrong person the other day. It could be dangerous to go there it could!!

MONDAY: I just read that half of all women in the workplace are sexually harrassed. Jeez I must get me a job!

TUESDAY: One of those 'oh no not again' moments when you look out the window and see one of your mister husbands fat balls swinging all alone and then along comes two fat birds who start fighting over it! Then you have to go out and shoo them off. This is what my life is like somedays! Fat balls and fat birds and sheared off nuts- not to mention twisted drawers!

Top tips for Lonely people

TOP TIPS FOR LONELY PEOPLE

I am excited because we are having a visitor on Tuesday. Well I say visitor, it’s the estate agent- he is coming to do the inspection for the landlord. I like to follow them round telling them all my news. They send a different one each time so it doesn’t matter if I say the same stuff that I did last time. Then I thought we all get lonely sometimes so here are some tips to stop the lonliness.

Invite tradesmen to the house to give you quotes for jobs. You don’t have to have the work done but it will give you someone different to talk to every day for months if you start at the beginning of the yellow pages and work your way through.

Invite the local estate agents one a day to give you a valuation. Have cookies to hand.

Get someone in to do the ironing- It costs little – you get your ironing done and some hopefully cheerful conversation as well. Me mother uses this method so it is tried and tested.

Reply to the people on the telly -after all these people have come into your very living room especially to talk to you. Don’t be rude and sit there looking blank. And don’t laugh at them, laugh with them when appropriate. Laughing raises serotin levels- it can be found also in chocolate and orgasms.

Wait until a shop is empty and the assistant looks really busy- (she/he probably isn’t- they like to pretend- and if she/he is really busy she/he be will glad of a break) and talk to her/him. They love to hear about your thrush and your piles (of ironing obviously) and your grandfathers golfing antics and your brothers, girlfriends best friends fathers goldfish. Honest, they do. Don’t forgot to tell them you will call in again to see them but don’t tell them when, we don’t want them hiding anywhere do we now? It is sometimes polite to buy a newspaper or a bar of chocolate so they don’t think you have just gone into pester them. If they sell papers or chocolate. The next time you go take your holiday snaps or the ones of your kids or your neighbour’s bush – whatever you have to hand. They just love to see other people’s photos. Much better now we can take digital pictures because instead of just 24 you can show them hundreds. Don’t forget to buy something (small). If they try to get rid of you, (but why would they?- they value your custom after all) ask them for something you know they don’t sell and insist they look for it. My grandmother once had the woman in Boots chemist empty all the cabinets looking for Scholls foot remover. When the woman couldn’t find any she said ‘you keep looking my dear and I will be back at 3 this afternoon’. You can keep them busy all day long. Trust me they love this. I heartily recommend the Toy Cupboard in Burnham on Sea. Kathy loves company.

Ring a random number and just chat to the person on the other end. They maybe as lonely as you. Withold your number by putting 141 in the front of the number you dial- you don’t want any nutters ringing you back!! If you can’t afford to do this (and you don’t mind the nutters ringing you back) keep ringing the number and hanging up- eventually they will call you back to see who you are and what you want. Or they might report to you trading standards, BT or the police. Either way its win win for you because you still get someone to talk to.

Ring tradesmen and companies and do the same. They have loads of time to kill.

When a wrong number rings you keep them chatting- that’s even better because they are paying for the call. If you need to get rid of them for any reason ask them to come and help you hide the body.

Pop into your local surgery and chat to the receptionist – they got masses of time to kill. Ever seen a busy one?  Don’t bother with the dentist- they have a way of shutting you up fast. Although if its just company you crave- go for it.

Sidle up to a hassled looking mum in the park- give her some parenting tips. She will be glad of the distraction.

Search out bus stops, preferably ones with seats. Chat to people waiting for the bus. Don’t get on the bus, unless a) you have some money and b) it’s too good a conversation to let go and you still have loads to tell them and c) if they look alright to go all the way with- I mean to the next stop.

Get local estate agents to come and value the house. It really doesn’t matter if you rent the house- they are not to know. Then don’t let them out until you have talked and talked to them and got all your news off your chest.

Offer anyone who comes to the house a cuppa tea or coffee and some biscuits (I find parcel men and post men are a bit harder to catch but it can be done). They will then feel obliged to stay and chat. You can drug their drink if you are particularly lonely that day and want them to stay a bit longer. You may need rope and gaffer tape in case they escape.

Get a mirror on the bedroom ceiling (we got one). It provides a good talking point and ice breaker. Of course you have to take them to the bedroom to see it, but it’s not a problem if you catch a good looker!!

Traffic wardens are always good to chat to. And you could be saving some poor bugger a parking fine.

Bus drivers used to be good to talk to but they sit behind anti-social glass now. I only know this because I nearly got on a bus by accident the other week.

Go for a walk where all the dog walkers are. All the dog walkers are nutters and will talk to anyone. Don’t walk anywhere with them though because you have to be careful because they always find the bodies.

Don’t talk to bird watchers or photographers though because we hate that!

Become a hospital visitor. If you are especially chatty pick someone who looks really to sick to answer back or ring a bell. Visit the stroke ward and stroke a few.  Or take a pack lunch and sit in A&E and just chat randomly to anyone.

Find out what day the library holds information and advice days and go and ask for information advice- you don't have to take any but you can chat for hours to different people. Tried and tested. Do it naked also.

Scout the town for day time weddings- tag on and follow them to the reception. I always find if you grab hold of someone in a wheelchair and make out they be your Uncle Harold/Auntie Maud - no-one ever knows. I did this once - grabbed an old lady in a wheelchair at the doctors and took her for a spin and we ended up at a wedding and a funeral. Good day had by all. I even took the nurses outfit back at the end of the day.

Talking of Doctors book yourself a double appointment with a different doctor every week and just go and chat. Works everytime.

Wind your window down at the traffic lights and chat to the person in the car next to you. They like that.

Go to your local furniture land. They always offer cookies and coffees. Sit down, put your feet up. Bobs your Uncle and Fannys your Aunt. They will talk to you for ages - they think you are buying furniture. Choose a different suite to sit on every day!

IF you need anymore tips- well just ask me ol' babbers. But don't ask me cos I ain't go no more for now.

Russia and the KFC, Poems and Squirty Soap, Boobie Jiggling at Weddings.

Well if ye been wondering what I been doing this week- yer tis. If ye ain't be wondering tis still yer!!

 SUNDAY-Two things today :About this yer blog of mine. Mines Mr Husband helps me promote them so I get followers and readers. That's followers not stalkers. Although tis true ye can never tell these days. Thankye muchly if ye are a follower, or a stalker. Tis a pleasure to have ye on board.. Well, I used to be big in Alaska. I looked at the stats last night. I have mixed feelings about being big in Russia. I don't even write Russian. Is it the KFC I wonder who are watching me? Putin and his mates? Tis very curious. I have more Russian followers than English. Curious indeedy.

I have told mines Mr Husband that I have ordered some more Elvis CDs to play on the way to Scotland and back so me and Elvis can have a good sing a long.  I couldn't tell really if that was a pleased look or not. Anyways in other news he is fitting an ejector button to my seat in the Jag. Curious indeedy.

 MONDAY: Don't you just hate that moment when you are sat on the loo and a good poem comes in yer head and all ye haves to hand is loo roll and squirty soap! (Note to self: Install notebook and paper in loo- all three of them!)

TUESDAY: I been on a little trek today. I had to go from Devon to Burnham to the dentist because she won't come to me misery guts she is. Mines Mr Husband was really worried about me going all that way on the motorway on me todd. 'Find a car doing a steady 68 and follow it- ye won't go wrong' he said, and no flashing- not lights nor boobies. I was miffed. Not on the motorway long and I clocked a nice shiny BMW doing 68- well 71 but ssssh don't tell Mines Mr Husband. Yep I was surprised too- a BWM going that slow. But I stuck behind him like glue. He couldn't shake me off with a shitty stick. And that guys is why I am in a place called Manchester!

WEDNESDAY AM: Sat here waiting for another Electric man- rope in one hand and fresh roll of gaffer in other.

WEDNESDAY PM:I bet ye all wondering how the electric man got on ain't ye? He was late for starters. When he comed I was impatient. I opened the door and said 'Eelectric man?'- he had EON on his shirt. He said 'No'. I said 'Have ye brought cake and cookies like it says on me door?'- I pointed the notice out cos these peoples aren't always observant. He said 'No- I come to mend the boiler'. I told him if he hadn't brought cake or cookies I didn't know to let him in or not. He said 'look missus I am a supervisor'. I thought 'ooo-er a supervisor' so I grabbed him by the time and dragged him up me hole'. Then he ran back saying he had to lock the van. He came back willingly. Then he was only yer an hour- he has all his equipment out all over me floor and then he said he had to go cos one of his nuts was sheared off. I don't know if he will come back and finish the job. I bet he will send someone else. The same one never comes twice here. Curious indeedy.

THURSDAY AM: Well another adventure looms- I thought I would grace the Doctor with my presence today. Tis a long while since I been up there and caused chaos and I thought today would be a good day. I will think of a reason for a visit when I get there and have gauged her mood at seeing me. Tis not always a happy one.Time to get the pea out.

THURSDAY PM:

 Well that was a funny mother in the doctors- all I Said was 'What a lovely ginger baby you have and what pronounced eyebrows she has- are they her own?'. Well the look she gave me you would think she had never been asked that before. Curious woman indeedy. (Her- not me!)

SATURDAY : Yer all been thinking I been quiet. Well we went to me muvvers and helped her trying on her wigs. Then this evening we went to a wedding. We was invited. Well when I say we was invited - we just turned up. When I say we went to a wedding well we just sat outside with chips. But I said to mines Mr Husband 'lets go in and join in'. He said 'we don't even know who's wedding it is'. I told him 'see her in the white frock thing - yeah her that looks like she fell in a vat of meringue- well tis her wedding'. He said 'Well we don't know her'. I said 'yeah but, please lets go in- they will have cake- I am sure they will have cake'. Anyways we compromised and he went off and got chips. I sneaked in and got cakes. Then we sat outside and watched the arguments. I bet it was someone we knew. I wanted to stay to the end but he said 'no cos you will get lairy and pull your top up and jiggle your boobies'. I don't think mines Mr Husband has been to many weddings. People like that they do! Booby jiggling.

If tis not enough for you go to You Tube- And look for me- Lillielou Lucas and see the latest video.