Baggy Pussy, Manky Wanky Donkeys and the Smurf

WE had a fandabbydoozy watsit time today. Firstly I went to see mines other husband, the first one. He was telling us all about his girlfriends baggypussy. TMI I declared. Well Mines other Mr Husband says he was telling me about his girlfriends bag puss which is not the same thing at all. Then we went to see mines friend Kathy and that was a special treat for her. I do miss her loads. Then we went to see mines mother and mines father. They was excited to see us. Mines father was reading his post and he was deciding whether to help a homeless person for £22.50. I said 'noooo, don't do that- I did that two years ago and he won't leave now'. He said 'well to be fair he does go to work, and he does pay the rent and snuggle up to ye in bed to keep ye warm'. (Tis not strictly true- he does have his own bed because of the problem of farting and snoring- mine- he can't be coping with it he says. I tells him, I can't help it- I have a thyroid and stuff '). Then I mentioned to mines mother that it be that time of the year when the adverts are on. Ye can pay three squids only for a snow leopard and/or a wonkey donkey. I have several. (Still waiting on the polar bear but tis a long way from the artic and also we have moved since I ordered him). She said (mines mother- do keep up!!), she said 'now then our Beth, don't be ordering anymore wonkey donkeys now ye lives in a skinny bitch house- thees haven't the room'. I oncurred. Also I agreed. I told her 'well some of them do look a bit manky this year too as well as wonkey- I think they be left over from last Christmas'. She said ' Well ye don't be wanting a manky,wanky donkey'. I know. That is exactly what she said. The room fell silent for a minute whilst we all ingested what this Christian walmart of a woman said. We were shocked to the core. Mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe- by her own admission) repeated it several times whilst rolling around laughing. She was like a feckin three year old. I sent mines mother off to do three hell Marys and make a cuppa tea. I seen another woman in Burnham with accidental blue hair. I know it was accidental because it was just blobs on the top- all blobbed about. Nobody does that on purpose! But tis how they roll over there in Burnham. Anyways we had chocolate cake so all is good. I came home and took me frock off to remove me bra only to find I turned into a feckin smurf again. I shall not be panicking like last time. I just shall get some blue hair dye and to hell with it. I hope ye all appreciate this post. My arferitis has been a bugger and a half today and me leg has locked up and mines Mr Husband is having to drag me naked around the bedroom to try to uncease me!!

Davina, Bacon and Tit Bits

I be sure it ain't normal to fall asleep during ye workout but I do. Do ye all do that or is it just me? I bet Davina don't have this problem!  I ain't cut out for all this exercise malarky I tell ye. It ain't natural. I don't think it be good for me arferitis at all- it be hurting too much to get down on that exercise mat even. Then I have to roll round the living room looking for something to pull me poor aching tired body back up with. On the plus side I can see right under settee and today I found a pen top, a penny, a bit o bacon from me pizza t'other night, and a bit o chocolate. The bacon and the chocolate was still good to go- once I took the fluff off- tasty combination if I must say so mineself. Mines Mr Husband finds it all a bit disgusting. I says to him 'Ye would be glad enough to eat it if ye was hungry. And if ye would let me have a dog I wouldn't find bits of food on the floor cos he would beat me to it. And not only but also if I didn't have to get down and do these stupid workouts I wouldn't find 'em either cos I wouldn't see that far down'. I told him I ain't getting down for no more workouts. He said 'ye must me little pickled pumpkin- it be good for ye joints'. I told him straight the only thing that gets me down there is knowing I might find some food under the settee whilst I been down there-ye can find some tasty tit bits under there - ye can keep ye pen tops and ye pennies. (Secretly hoping he might put some cake down there everyday now to get me down there- and I won't be worrying about getting back up). I want to wish mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion) all the best in her new adventures- don't be getting yeself into any trouble and keep away from the freaks!! We shall miss ye. xxxx