Lots of Pussies and winking at me tits

Well T'was a busy weekend this weekend preparing for our first proper visitor to the new house, mines step son. I was very busy I tell ye- so busy going round this house cleaning up I left smoke trails off me slippers. Then Finally when I went to bed I was able to relax and treat the new neighbours to a touch of one of me 'sing along with Beth and Elvis at Bedtime' nights. Also found this useful to work me arthritic hips out to. Early this morning I looked out yonder bedroom window to see many pussies gathered in the street out under our yonder window. Mines Mr Husband thinks this is due to the 'sing along with Beth and Elvis at Bedtime' night. The Neighbours didn't seem to keen on the idea- not the sing along it seems but the nude dancing. I argued with ye fella from three streets away- 'I am not nude- I have me bed socks and me solo beats on'. That be the only items needed for these 'sing along with Beth and Elvis at Bedtime' Nights. And don't ye know that music therapy is good for dementia sufferers- and I said to mines Mr Husband 'I will sing to ye- it be good therapy for ye dementia'. He denies he suffers with ye old dementia but he keeps saying 'we must go doctors about the dementia'. Well it ain't for me....'oooooh look a shiny thingy'.

Also this week mines Mr Husband has banned me from going to the chippy on me new exercise bike ever since I was fined for speeding. Also I am not allowed to jog because it is high impact and that is bad for arthritis in the hips and spine. The exception is being chased by the rapist or if the chippy is about to shut. Legit reasons.

Mines Mr Husbands son arrived duly and smells quite nice. I have notice young mans do smell nice quite often. I like the smell of young mans so much I am considering trading in mines Mr Husband for a nice smelling young mans.

We had a nice afternoon last week in the bush and I showed mines Mr Husband mine boobies. He said something about getting bare. At once I was stripped. He said 'What the feck are ye doing?' I was confused. 'Ye said to get naked' I told him. Apparently he didn't- or so he says. He reckons he said ' And don't be starting on about looking for ye bear down here in ye old bush today'. I was sure he said 'get bare and show me ye old boobies and bush'.

The pussy of her next door has been sprawled out all over my lawn this afternoon winking at mines tits and mines Mr Husband. I shall be keeping a close watch on that pussy I shall.

It be wet and windy round here today but I shall blame the liquorice and the peas.

Well I be off for a jog now again. Well a gentle stroll around ye old garden to the garage to sort the tumbled washing out.

Fireman, Knickers and Naked Cycling.............

Excelling myself today. Did me exercises and then went for a jog (well a gentle stroll around the estate). I see the skinny bitches out jogging. I growled at them. I shall be fair glad when they put that chip shop in at top of road. I shall be able to get me fish n' chips whilst out on me jog. Also I been Clearing dressing room through and mines Mr Husbands bedroom for our first visitor next week (the postman and the handyman don't count because they didn't stop long enough to sleep). He said 'mines son is coming to visit next week'. Be jeepers I thought. Where will he sleep? 'Where will he sleep?' I asked Mines Mr Husband. He looked thoughtfully whilst I added 'He can't be sleeping with me, he shall have to be sleeping with thee'. Mines Mr Husband very practically said 'Well he can sleep in my room- I shall just have to sleep in your bed with you my little fruitcake'. Hmmm- this didn't take much thinking bout. I told him 'Well if that be me choice he better sleep in with me after all'. Not much feckin choices offered now we have a smaller house. Also this week Mines Mr Husband has ordered me an exercise bike so I can practice for these naked cycle rides. That has arrived today- just after I been for me jog an all (well gentle stroll round the block)-but after reading about Sir David Frosts son dropping dead at the tender age of 31 whilst jogging I have decided to knock that exercise lark on the head. I know I am only 21 and a bit but even so- don't want to put meself in danger unnecessarily. Also the fireman put a bag through my door asking for me old knickers. What are knickers I ask them and what ye be wanting with mine? Dodgy if ye ask me. I pointed them in the direction of Ebay. Ye can get old drawers on there if ye perverted enuf. Invited them to do a demonstration with thee old hose but they declined saying they had hot stuff to attend to. I told 'em, 'I be hot stuff ye know and me old man be out'. Off like a shot they was. Still I tried!

The Knob was Pulled Gently but it still came......................

Well yesterday was a long day for me- getting things done around the house whilst having a sing along to Elvis. All was going well until I gave the Landlords knob a little pull and a gentle twist. Now, everyone who knows me well knows how gentle I am with knobs. But this one just came clean off in my hand. There was a sharp gasp of an intake of laboured breath and a look of horror. On my face - not the Landlords. He wasn't even aware of what I had done. My first thought was get the serious glue. It took me near half an hour to get the top off the serious glue. I did a bit of gentle pulling and twist but to no avail so I had to go and get Mines Mr Husbands tool and work at it with that. Never so much in my life have been so serious about getting the top off the serious glue. Finally I managed to pull it off. If only the Landlords knob had been as hard to come off I wouldn't have an half an hour fight with the serious glue. Someone said 'get gorilla glue'. Well I had to say to her 'Mines Mr Husband won't let me have Gorilla glue because we don't have a gorilla and he be afraid that I shall get one'. Anyways then the serious glue was seriously glue was stuck very seriously in its tube. I was getting very frustrated. I got some more tools and after much poking and pricking I managed to get some out. To no avail. All this time the Landlords knob had sat in a dish on the sideboard. I applied glue to the Landlords Knob and a touch to the end of his pole. It just wasn't going to stick. Eventually I had to admit defeat and sat there with the Landlord knob in my hand whilst I contemplated the next move. So I texted Mines Mr Husband with the news of what I had done to the Landlords knob and he said he would have a look at the Landlords Knob when he got home. I was just hoping the Landlord wouldn't want me to pay for a new Knob because they knobs don't come cheap ya know. I was so very grateful to mines Mr Husband for coming and expertly handling the Landlord's Knob just like a pro! Knob re-attached, (although betwixt you and I it seems I was not the first woman to have an issue with the Landlords Knob- it already was sticky. Me thinks it had been pulled off before more than once). New curtains now hanging nicely from the Landlords pole. Very pleased. On the downside mines Mr Husband has ordered me to refrain from pulling or twisting anymore knobs whilst he is at work! Or working in the CO-OP!......No hang on- Twerking in the CO-OP is what he said- not working!

Tits and Other Pleasures

I know ye all be thinking that I be quiet- well I been busy making a snowman. I know in July as well. But he be finished now. Then as mines Mr Husband has had a few days we been off to the woods to look for bears. (Ye know the drill- look for bear shit behind the trees because they always shit behind trees- tis how ye tell the back from the front of the tree- mines mother told me this). He was hoping to see little tits enroute but alas there was none. We seen some nice creatures and I took some nice photos. I must tell that council the woods is very hard for someone like me and impossible in ye mobility scooter. I could have had a nasty accident. Then we went to Exmuff to watch the tide. I found mines Mr Husband a present. 'Come yere mines Mr Husband- I found ye a present' I said. 'Oh no'- he grunted 'What dead creature am I getting the pleasure of tonight?' I surprised by telling him it was still alive and very beautiful. Indeed it was. T'was a jelly fish- still swimming and alive. 'Be Quick', I said 'Ye have to catch it ye self'. He chased it all along the sea front. Still he couldn't catch it 'Ye have to be bolder than that me ol' babbers' I said 'Grab it with both ye hands- no- the jelly fish' I shouted. I couldn't keep up with he- not with me arthritis and all. Anyways he let it get clean away claiming it was too slippery. I tell ye that man he ain't grateful for presents whether they be dead or alive. Waste of time scouring beaches and countryside for him. I will do ye some of me photos of today later. I be off to Zummerzet tomorrow for me treatment - the one where the osteo pulls and pushes and sticks his knee in me back-but it will make me feel better apparently. Also I be getting new glasses so I can sees mines Mr Husband closer. Tomorrow could be a long day!! See ye all Friday.xxx

Just had to share this today............................

HEAVENS SURPRISE

I was shocked , confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven's door,
not by the beauty of it all,...
nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake!.'
'And why is everyone so quiet,
so somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said,
'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you

ANON

Nice Tits, Measles and Needing Stuffing

I have been to the doctors again today. I was quite well behaved I thought. Well until that woman got stroppy with me. I thought she had a nice body. Quite shapely. So I thought it would be nice to pay her a compliment. All I said was 'haven't you got a nice figure. Nice tits. Have you thought about getting a bit took of end of that nose?'. That was when the fight started. Good job by then I had already seen the advert about getting your kids vaccinated against measles before it comes to town. I have booked them all in for vaccinations and ear syringing. I thought may as well kill two birds with one stone. Anyway the waitress at the desk reckons that because my kids are now in their 20s and 30s they don't need measles jabs but I insisted on booking them in anyway. Don't think that waitress woman is all there to be honest with you. Of course I want my kids protected from the measles. Then after the Doctor told me I have this feckin arthritis crap in all my bones and joints and I will have to learn to live with the pain we went to look for some stuffing because I need stuffing. Not the kind you have with your Sunday lunch either. The kind you stuff a knitted snowman with. Mines Mr Husband found a blind woman wandering round the town. She was headed for the building site so he turned her round and took her to a bus stop. I thought 'eh up, he's pulled- I will just nip home for his suitcase'. Then he said goodbye to her and left her on the bus stop. I thought T'was a bit cruel leaving her in the road but he assured me that was what she asked for! So I thought I will help someone too. I grabbed an old lady and helped her across the road. She slapped me face. She didn't want to go across the road and she was only 23. Oh well, I tried. And I still need stuffing! Oh yes and Mines Mr Husband and I experimented when we went to bed last night-we tried sleeping in the same bed. He tried to turn me over at one point so he could have more bed! Cheek. I said 'this lady is not for turning-sleep in thee own fecking bed'. Anyways we trying again tonight.........................

Tits, Knicker Elastic and Mushy Peas

I got  mines Mr Husband to take me to Dunelm again today. I took him a few times in the week for a fathers day treat. He said it couldn't be because fathers day is on sunday always. Whoohoo- guess what day it is today?Anyways I had withdrawl symptons. Not from fathers day- from Dunelm. I got me new box on the fence for me tits. Mines mother said 'I expect yours husband will be wanting to sit in mines garden all the spring next year just to look at mines tits'. I told her 'I don't think so- I have mines own tits for him to watch and he can do that without leaving the house'. I think we will have to start some tours and charging a pound for peoples to look at our tits in the springtime. Also the Sparrows and the Robins.
Today I also treated the new neighbours over back to a flash of me knicker elastic when the wind took me skirt me up over me head- except I didn't actually have any knicker elastic about my person. One old chap had a stroke and the other missed. I am sure now they will be welcoming me warmly to the neighbourhood.
And I just want ye all to know I do like a mushy pea. I know thats random but that is how me mind works!x

Dawlish, Her Pussy next door and a box for me tits!

Well you are all thinking Beth must be having a good day today- it's her loud music and naked dancing day. True tis. But Mines Mr Husband and I have been like Wallace and Grommit today. No- not eating the cheese and getting in a rocket- but we have had a grand day out at Dawlish. We did a fair bit of walking and the highlight was watching a little dormouse collecting food. Waited 51 years for that. So I guess I probably won't ever see that again! But I did get some nice shots- not at it- of it. We did buy a nice box for me tits- all nicely finished with yacht varnish to with stand all weathers. The box not me tits. It was quite non-adventurous until on the way home we felt a bit naughty so we went into Tesco. I know you are thinking 'they should have gone into Dunelm because that's where that the nice beds are'. But we felt naughtier than that and went in for fruit- to go with the fresh cream that fell in the basket yesterday when we were shopping. When we got to the checkout there was just one free checkout. We were quite excited to find a free one. Apparently it didn't mean our shopping was free. The man sat at the till was the most miserable looking git on the planet. He had stitches in his nose. I said ' oh ye gods, ye be a miserable looking fecker. Ye got a face like a cat shitting razor blades. Woman troubles? Or did you get smacked in the nose down pub? Would ye like to talk about it? Ye can confide in me!'. We chatted about everything from the cost of moth balls to my fetish for bubble wrap and the fact I have noticed that she next door got a rough looking pussy and how we had been to the beach and now Mines Mr Husband has sand in his crack'. I don't think he needed to call security really. He needs his nose breaking so he does. Mines Mr Husband said 'Ye didn't need to mention ye piles me fruitcake. And don't be asking peoples if they want to talk about it but then not let them get a word in edgeways and don't be getting undressed in Tesco' (I was just showing him how I had a fly wedged in me cleavage). I told mines Mr Husband 'I don't think he was in the mood for confiding- not the way he was shaking his fist- no wonder he gets in fights - you just can't help some people'.

Naked bounces, sex and teapots

Well I have managed to convince mines Mr Husband that not one but two visits to Dunelm were necessary today. I told him the children were paying me to take him regularly for fathers day treats. We even managed to get in after yesterdays adventure. I fooled them by having a naked bounce on a different bed. I asked mines Mr Husband if he would like to have sex on this one with me - that caused a bit of consternation among a couple of old ladies nearby looking at artificial flowers but I see they keep peeping anyway. Perverts old ladies. Then I went upstairs and had a swivel in me chair. I have placed a large notice on it now -'Do not sit on this chair- it is a choking hazard' (i.e if I finds anybody on it I will choke them!). This evening I had to go back. Just to make sure no-one had sat on it. Mines Mr Husband will buy this for me when he wins tipping point. Also tonight I found a very handsome guy in there- just stood there. Not quite your Johnny Depp but not too bad at all. I thought he looks nice and he looks a bit lonely. I think he was an assistant. So I sidled up and had a conversation about everything from the fact I like cream on my porridge and mines Mr Husband says you can have it without cream (he talks out of his hat!-of course you can't) and to my adventures with my wrecking ball and mines mothers uncles boil on his bum. Also I mentioned my little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion- but not the other one (the psychotic, stressy one with all the kids and the camel toe). To be fair I did most of the talking. Well, all of the talking. Well that's my kind of man is that. A good listener without interrupting and calling you a fruitcake every five minutes. Then Mines Mr Husband turns up and says 'Now what are you doing mines little fruitcake' (see what I mean!!). I thought 'eh up, someone's jealous me thinks'- so I said to him 'eh up, someone's jealous me thinks' He looked annoyed at me and said 'I am not jealous, I just wondered what you were doing'. I winked at the other guy and I said to mines Mr Husband 'I am just having a chat with this nice good looking assistant about the price of teapots'.  He took me by the arm- mines Mr Husband (not the nice good looking assistant) and he said 'Come on fruitcake lets get you home and get you your meds and a nice cuppa tea and if you are good you can come back and talk to the cardboard man another day. If you are really good I will see if we can get you one to stand in the living room to talk to when I am at work'. I have no idea what he was talking about. So I winked at the nice good looking assistant and said my goodbyes and when we got home I gave Mines Mr Husband the meds tonight. He is sleeping like a baby now.

Ginger Pussy, Cake and Swivelling

We went to Dunelm. I managed to convince mines Mr Husband it would be a good idea. He is never so sure. Apparently those beds are for display- not for sleeping in and certainly not for hanky panky. Well who knew? They should not make them so inviting then! Also I have been in love with a big round swivel chair that you can curl up in and go to sleep. Every time we go I have a little curl up and a little sleep and a little swivel. Can't beat a little swivel. Mines Mr Husband said I can have one if we win the lottery. Still waiting. Today though I was furious after hauling myself up those darned stairs to find some little fecker swivelling round and round in it whilst his sister pushed it round. 'Ere, get out my chair you cheeky little fecker', I said to him. His dad didn't like my 'tone' he said. 'And I don't like your little fecker swivelling in my chair' I told him. Anyways that was how the fight started- thought I was going to need bail money but the nice policemans said it was ok because I had been good and kept all mines clothes on. Mines Mr Husband said that this why he didn't like taking me shopping, because I gets into too much trouble. On the way home I see a cake shaped person carrying a cake- I yelled 'STOOOOOOOOP' at the top of my voice and mines Mr Husband did an emergency stop and just missed a cat and a cyclist and budgie (Yeah- my thoughts exactly- what was a cat doing in the middle of the road?)- I jumped out of the car and whipped the cake from out of her arms- she didn't have chance to struggle even- not like the last person I did that to. Whoohoo, one cake up and nice cake it was too...... Mines Mr Husband says we won't be able to drive down that street again. He worries way toooo much. Also the woman at 53 has a ginger pussy- seen it today through the bedroom window. It seemed to be catching things on the lawn! And then she was stroking it. Ya just don't know what ye will see round yer!

Mothers Bush, Tits and Naked at the Traffic Lights

Been to the osteopath again yesterday. We was a bit late because I delayed us by nattering and all the red lights hated us. I said to mines Mr Husband- shut your eyes because I am going to strip off now then I can save time when I get in there. That was when he nearly killed the cyclist. Mines Mr Husband I mean, not the Osteopath. When I got there a girl came out all dreamy and swoony and saying 'Oooh, that was lovely- soooo nice'. I looked him in the eye and said 'I'll have what she has just had if you please'.  He had some nice candles burning (the osteopath, not the cyclist. Keep up!!). I asked him if it was necessary, was it because they hadn't paid the electric bill again. He said it wasn't- it was to create 'ambience'. Feckin ambience my arse. I pointed that it was dangerous to have candles lit in a small room where I was. He said it would be alright because I would be laid face down on the table and they were not near any curtains- safety was paramount. I said 'yeah, but remember last time- I farted, created my own ambience and blowed all the candles out at the same time'.  And just as if someone switched on a light on he remembered and put all the candles out. (No not outside). Also this time he told me to keep me socks on because I was creating just a little bit too much ambience with me feet. And I didn't come out with a silly grin all dreamy and swoony so I don't think I had what she had!

Then we went and visited mines mother and mines father. Mines Mr Husband was in awe of mines mothers bush and commented on how neatly trimmed it was- just before he asked if he could go into the back garden and have a look at her tits again- shortly before she lamped him! Still misunderstandings all understood now and thankfully we have been invited back.

Tip of the day- Dog shampoo is just as good to wash your hair with and shower as any other and always handy if you have a dirty dog that you share the shower with. (I know this for a fact because I overheard a woman in the B&M shop reassuring her friend it was ok. Get all the best tips from eavesdropping on people in shops! Now we have to buy a dog!

Stroking the Pussy-

Tis a curious thing when you do the vertical limbo to get into your shower cubicle, that was obviously designed for skinny bitches who don't eat cake, and then when you get in there you find that someone has placed a bottle of Chorsodyl (mouth wash). Since Mines Mr Husband and I are the only two peoples who live in this house to my knowledge I assume naturally he has taken it into the shower with him for reasons only known to him. Now I do watch that GP surgery thing and recently I see a man with a skin complaint because he sits stroking a pussy all day long and his own remedy consisted of applying listerine mouth wash. So when I found the Chorsodyl I thought maybe MMH has been stroking a pussy for long periods of time (without my knowledge for we are not allowed pets in this house, not even a budgie in a cage or fish in a bowl- however, I do have two cod in a box and a half a chicken in the freezer which I am saying nowt about) and maybe I thought he had developed a skin complaint. Ye do miss things when ye have separate beds. Also there is a little ginger pussy often out on our doorstep. Not that I got anything against ginger you understand. It be very nice in a stir fry. All day yesterday I was curious and tried, whilst holding the rotary thingymajig with the clothes on in place, timing farting with the wind to push the rotary thingymajig back the other way, blogging, singing to the neighbours and curtain shopping, to remember to ask MMH when he got home about this curious habit. When he got home I promptly forgot. Sods Law. Then as we were going to bed I remembered. 'Mines Mr Husband please can you satisfy my curiosity and tell me why you have taken the Chorsodyl to the shower with you?'  He replied ' Well there be no-one more curious than you my little fruit cake'. (I reminded him of my little sisters- the one with the issues and day confusion and the other one, the psychotic stressy one with all the kids and the camel toe- they are more curious than I). So he continued 'I was hoping ye would tell me fruitcake'. To be fair he puzzled me a while. 'If I could tell ye why ye took the old Chorsodyl to the shower I wouldn't be needing to be askin ye now would I? Have ye been stroking strange pussies and developed a skin condition?' - He laughed and do ye know what he said? No? I tell ye- He said ' No, fruitcake. I was hoping you would tell me why YOU took the chorsodyl to the shower'.  Well we are both puzzled now because I certainly don't remember doing that. And I most certainly haven't been stroking strange pussies. He thinks it maybe the dementia. True I am sure he must have it he mentions it so often. Or maybe, just maybe there be a stranger living here that we haven't yet found. Is this why we have been told not to enter ye olde loft??? Spooky as mines littlest sister (the psychotic stressy one with all the kids and the camel toe-) would say. Spooky indeed.

Getting it into a tight space takes skill.........

Good Morning World. Tis Saturday down yer in Sunny Devon. The birds be chirping. I have waken with a bit of renewed vinegar. Well in me head at least. Me body is saying 'What the feck are ye on woman? Thas know's thas can't do all what ye got planned!' Anyways I thought after me medication and me porridge and cream (apparently mines Mr Husband reckons ye can have porridge without cream- he talks such rubbish some days- I don't know where he gets such ridiculous ideas from! Porridge without cream- never heard anything like it), I shall go in the garage and look through the boxes. That be if Mines Mr Husband has left a gap for me to look through- they be packed in like Sardines. It be me own fault cos I spent the last 12 years teaching him 'a hundred things in a matchbox mate, a hundred things'. I am well known for getting a hundred things in a matchbox. How do ye do it Beth I hear ye ask? Well I tell ye, when I was ten years old, about ten years ago, (cough, cough), I was at a little school in Hartcliffe called Teyfant Juniors. Mrs Burkitt could have been my teacher or she might not have been but her name sprung into me head today. She set us all a little competition each week and the winner could choose 2pence worth of sweets outta the tuck box. A whole 2pence. Ye could get a lot for two pence in they days. And I know a teacher selling sweets! T'was allowed in they days. Jamie Oliver would turn in his grave. What ya mean? He not dead. Sigh! Details, details- mere details. Just pretend for the sake of the story. One day this Mrs Burkitt- who could be so named or not, told us to get a hundred things in a matchbox. Not a household box or a threepenny Swan Vesta box- no a small penny box. The size ye carried in yer pocket. Not that I did- I was only ten. T'was in the days before ye could go the pound shop and get 12 lighters for a pound. That would have been daylight robbery back then to be fair! And the 50pence shop in Bedminster had only just been thought of! I got 100 things in my little matchbox and mines father had loose matches in his pocket all the week. True mines teacher was horrified at dead insects and spiders legs (that seven legged spider ran round our house happily for many years after) and wings of flies- I was a dirty little bugger as a kid. I had some nice liquorice shoe laces outta that ther tuck box and I shared with me mate Sandra. Cos I was nice like that. I won that competition every damned week. (I think I may have been the only one doing it to be honest- they was a lazy lot of feckers in our class! Infact mines teacher could have skipped the competition and just give me the sweets of a monday morning and saved me all that hard work!) But the hundred things in a matchbox stood me in good stead for the future- from packing the shopping to a van for a house move to a garage. I have passed on this skill to mines sons and mines daughter and mines husbands. Now mines Mr Husband does it so well I can only just get in the garage. I may just go in and stand for a second or two and come back out like I have done everyday for the past three weeks (yep its that long). So me ol' babbers I be off to get me porridge and get me music going. I be back shortly.