It could be argued that the little dot of a girl in the
white cotton frock playing in the grass in the sunshine in the garden has so
many people who truly care and therefore she has no need to be suicidal or even
miserable. Even if her children don't care to do as much as answer a text. She
knows her parents would be heartbroken for sure but they aren't going to be
around for ever more are they? She also has 197 friends on face book- although
5 of them are her little sister (the one with the issues). Most of them she has
only met once or less (that's other face book friends not her little sisters
(the one with the issues) and lets face it no-one notices if she doesn't appear
on face book do they? Oh and then there are two or three alter egos. They won't
miss her! So there you go- multi personalities as well. The happy 'she' wants
to stay alive and enjoy sunny days and nature. She loves nature. And sunny
days. She loves laughing and singing and even used to enjoy a good ol' dance
around the living room. In the days before the pain. She is feeling torn most
days between living and dying.
She has three brothers and two sisters. They really don't
care if she lives or dies. She never hears from them. Or receives any
communication from them unless there is an emergency with her parents. They
have all been spiteful and unkind in varying degrees. They have labelled her
demonic because she takes a different view and a different path to the one they
were brought up to tread. Not than any of them tread it either and there's not
one who leads an upright moral life. Not One. And in her opinion they are all
more fecked up and demonic than she will ever be. She doesn't drink, take drugs
or smoke dubious substances. Six painkillers a week cannot be counted. She
still leads the better life. She has never harmed any of them or been unkind to
them. She has been loyal and protective of them all. Her first marriage went to
the wall in part because of the amount of time she spent protecting and helping
her family. She is shunned by most and some have been so hurtful and spiteful
and she doesn't understand. Maybe they don't like her straight talking when she
tells them to pull themselves together now they are nearing their 50th years.
There is not any need for them all to still be making a hash of their lives and
blaming everyone but themselves.
Then there is her husband. He is a good man. She loves him.
He loves her. They laugh together. They have even cried together many times.
But she knows from previous experience that he is a practical man. He won't let
the grass grow under his feet without her. He will get over it and get on with
it. If he stayed home from work every time she had a suicidal urge he would
never go to work. He once said he was only worried about her taking her own
life in case that everyone would blame him. He won't stop her from her doing it.
He understands. She would like him to know that there will be sunny days ahead
for him without her and that she will watch him from on high. She doesn't want
him to take the blame. In truth everyone in her life has to consider upon her
death what part they played and when they have thought hard 'Did I do enough?
and Could I have done more?' instead of saying 'she was selfish, she didn't
care about us'- they can take the appropriate amount of blame and learn to live
with it or not. There is a pretty high chance they won't even do that.
She doesn't want her neices to feel bad because she loves them and she knows the ones that are allowed to be part of her life love her, but she also thinks and hopes they will understand her pain......
Tonight she sits here with her wedding photo, photos of her
children and grandchildren, 120 sleeping tablets and a bottle of
whiskey..................Forgive me please.............Remember me on sunny
days................
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