Have Summer Somehere Else! Please!!

Well I have done tips for loneliness and rules for mines Mr Husbands playground (or work place as he likes to call it), now its time for one for mines neighbours. Tis this:

Now the summer is here neighbours please remember you are NOT the only ones who live here so please be considerate and have summer somewhere else!

If you simply think you cannot- think again- nothing is impossible with a little effort. When you are here please:

DO NOT leave your darling mutts out in the heat all day and all evening and all night to whine and whine and bark and bark. Every fecker and his fanny on this estate has a mutt- its like living in the middle of a large kennels. I love mutts the same as the next man but I hate to wake up and go to sleep to their barking and whining. Stop yelling at it to shut up and do something with it. Take it inside in the cool. Give it a drink. Take it for a walk. Don't torment it. And when you take it for a walk- keep it off the grass. As if having it barking all day isn't enough you don't need it high as well. And don't let it shit on our gardens.

DO NOT let your kids out to play if they are going to scream and yell and shout; kick a ball at a wall for hours on end (This is not playing- this is boredom only with a ball!) Keep the little shites inside and give them a games machine and some junk food. Keep the little feckers fat and quiet. Children should be seen and not heard!

DO NOT smoke us all out with your never ending acrid barbecue shit. Don't ye know that burned food is full of carcigens  and they can kill you. Disgusting way to treat your neighbours. And no I don't want to be invited. I am fussy what goes in my mouth. I like a good quality bit of sausage, tenderly cared for! I also like my freshly done washing to stay that way. Take your barbecues and shove them where the sun DON'T shine.

DO NOT Show us your Pussies. Please keep your pussies out of sight of my water gun and don't think if they come and do their stuff in my flower pots I won't spray the little feckers cos I will. I have already got half the pussies round here licked now.

 DO NOT Ignore your bushes. Please trim and prune your bushes regularly. No one wants to look out of the window and see unruly bushes through their long lens. No siree.

DO NOT frequent places I am trying to escape to from you. Please don't go to the country park when I am there trying to observe and photograph nature. Ye all makes a noise and tis quite unnecessary. The rest of us go to enjoy the peace and quiet. Ye can have a good time at the park without shouting at each other or letting the rest of the world know that you are ON YOUR MOBILE. We don't care about your auntie Ivy and her never ending incontinence or Uncle Fred's boil on his bum or your indeed your latest bedroom conquest. We don't honest. We want tranquillity. If you are going to the park- leave the feckin phone at home!! It won't kill you.

DO NOT cut the grass every five minutes unless you are male, hot, hunky and gorgeous- then please go ahead but remember to strip first!

DO NOT get my dander up. You won't like me when I am angry. I shall set mines little sisters on you. Truth.

Please enjoy your summer- but do it somewhere else.!

Cockchafers, Cockahoops and Cock Muppets

This Week at the Crazy House:

Excited muchly as this week was our Spring holiday. Mr Husband has taken me here, there and everywhere. He will take me feckin anywhere. He has no shame that man. We went to Brixham in the pea- only one day. I think mines Mr Husband couldn't stand the Beth and Elvis sing-a-long all the week. I did notice on the sticky thing on the steering wheel, you know the one that tells people if we are going left or right, or if we are going to clean the windows etc, mines Mr Husband has found it turns Elvis down. He so didn't account for me to continue Beth and Elvis sing-a-long without Elvis. The rest of the week we went out in his Jag. Mines Mr Husbands Jag- not Elvis's. Elvis wouldn't let us. So this was the week:

Saturday: Mines Mr Husband was sleeping face down when I went in this morning to make sure he hadn't died in his sleep or anything. I noticed his bum had a crack in it. All mended now with gorilla glue.

Well Mr Husband has found out about Gorilla Glue Gate- He has read my facebook status. Not happy. 'Stop playing with ye bum ye dirty fecker', I said. 'Go wash ye hands'. Now he is going a funny purple colour. I hope he don't explode. I have cleaned up this morning!

Having a Beth and Elvis Sunday Special Sing-a-long. Ye probably think I am obsessed with Elvis. Yesterday I did Beth and Ronan Keating Sing-a-long, and sometimes I do Roy Orbison or Robbie Williams. Mines Mr Husband is going to know Elvis songs inside out be the time we get to top of Scotland and back in a few weeks time. He, (MMH- not Elvis) is sat on sofa as we speak with a face like a constipated prune and very much the same colour as well, wriggling from side to side, huffing and puffing trying to dislodge the Gorilla Glue. He is googling 'how to remove gorilla glue from cracks' and other such stuff. He will be lucky- I used the whole tube!

Monday: Day one of our Spring Holiday Well Beth, Elvis and the pea took to the road for a singalong to Steve and his ear drums. He drived us. He took me to Brixham to Bury a Head but I didn't see him Bury a Head but we did go up a cliff. Tis Ok- I didn't climb it up the side or anything. Although I didn't see him with me all the time, so who knows. He bit sulky today- he walking a tad funny- re; the gorilla glue in the crack. Anyways Some tit told me there was dolphins in the Brixham harbour so we dashed down there. Not a feckin sausage! Anyways did get pictures of a seal having lunch. T'was a fine display. Tomorrow we are going on a nature trail. Mines Mr Husband is looking out for a cockchafer. We have one at home I am sure somewhere but no- he wants to find one on the nature trail. Him and his nature trails.

Tuesday  - morning ; Today guys Mines Mr Husband wants to take me on a nature trail (he will take me feckin anywhere that man- he has no shame I tell ye). Do ye know why he wants to take me on a nature trail? To look for a cockchafer nonetheless. Well I am expecting it to be in the bush somewhere. I thought mines little sister said she had one of these in her bedroom - but I suspect she bought hers from Anne Summers. Anyways If I find one I will send you photographs.
P.S. I think Mines Mr Husband may be planning on us going in the jag- it doesn't have a five cd thingy to listen to Elvis- however I have a plan and some solo beats!!!

Tuesday- Evening: Ye are all wondering how the search went for the cockchafer I bet. Well I tell ye- Mines Mr Husband wanted to take me on a nature trail but I wanted to go and see the dolphins. So back to Brixham we went. Not a feckin Dolphin in site. Even the seal told us to feck off – he did his party trick yesterday. Then we went up to Torquay. I saw a family size gateaux from Iceland shaped person sat on three seats. I said 'lets talk about your cake intake me dear'. That's when the fight broke out. Mines Mr Husband said that it was clearly my fault for taking the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped persons cake out of her hand. I was only trying to help her. Ye gods ye gets no fanks for nuffin these days. We sat next to an old man who, when he got up, farted so loud and so triumphantly that he killed three seagulls on the seawall outright and a poor old dear on a mobility scooter keeled over. 'Tis the Germans', she shouted, 'tis chemical warfare', she cried. I picked her back and told her 'tis alright me ol' babbers- T'was just an ill wind from that ol' gits arse'. Also got involved in a drive by shooting. I shot the entertainment at a local pub because he sounded like he was having his pubic hairs on his nether regions plucked one by one. Anyways Mines Mr Husband says drive by shootings don't count with a water pistol and a banana. I wanted to go to the ByGones museum but we was already GoneBy it when I noticed it. And ye are all waiting to know if we found the Cockchafer. We did. Well I see It. Sat outside the same pub we had our dinner- there for everyone to see, wearing the teeniest tiniest shorts ever and legs a kimbo- proudly presented to all and sundry. I am glad Mines Mr Husband had his back to it. I never told him I could see it. I am his wife and I have to protect his heart and his blood pressure. Anyway T'was not a pretty site and I nearly choked on me chips. I tried to take a picture of it for ye all cos I promised. But we got frowed out and they called me a pervert. We having a quiet day tomorrow- Mr Husband got sunburnt on his face and on his bald patch and now he looks like a giant tomato. He needs to sit in the fridge now.

Wednesday: Today was shopping day- or as I call it- Naked Tesco Twerking day. Spent all day yesterday looking for the cockchafer. Spent all day today avoiding cock muppets. Now mines Mr Husband wants sex in a lay-by at teatime. He said he wants cockavan for tea. I presume he will be happy with sex in the jag cos we don't have a van.
Thursday: Staying with the cock theme today. I am cock-a-hoop. Seems like Johnny Depp is back on the market. Yay- I am in with a chance again! Must surely be my turn be now. Also today- Mines Mr Husband has been eager for me to try my mobility scooter out- so this was what we did tonight. I didn't want to make a showy display- I wanted to be inconspicuous- so I went naked. Nobody noticed. However I was worried about me nipples catching in the wheels. At first I was afraid, I was petrified! But T'was OK. I had hubby by my side. Once I got the hang of it he was running to keep up with me. I think I may do this everyday now- he will be slim and fit in no time!! A Beth Top Tit for all mobility scooter users: Stay off the paths and the roads- you can have sooooo much more fun off road and through the parks. Gave a few dog walkers a run for thems money tonight so I did!!! Got a get Mines Mr Husband Stiff now. Stiff drink that it is. One rooiboos tea coming up!!

Friday: Boiling water poured on Gorilla Glue don't shift it- so it seems!! I can thoroughly recommend Gorilla Glue. Be warned if used to mend cracks can turn ye husband blue!

Party the Naked Way

Yesterday we went past the old house. I see her at number 3 was having a party- music and lights and everything. STOP- I shouted to mines Mr Husband. He always get a tad tetchy with me when I doos that. Miserable fecker. Anyways I stripped off, got me party hat and me party poppers outta me bag (always prepared for anything like a good boy scout) and went to her at number 3's party. Tis not rude to go to her party naked before you say anything. She likes it. I once caught her looking at me whilst I was flashing mines boobies at my husband. She was peering right through my bush she was. Anyways I rocked up yesterday squirting crazy string and blowing me party doofer. She didn't seem that pleased to see me I thought. How rude. I asked for cake- and she said they didn't have any. I said 'just a smidgeon and I will be happy'. Anyways after much ado she came back and handed me a dead pigeon. Silly deaf fecker. Anyways it didn't go to waste. I have saved it for Fathers day for mines Mr Husband. It will the only present he gets. He will be glad of it. Mines Mr Husband dragged me back out by me pony tail and said 'Ye are too quick to jump in at parties. Naked as well'. He gave me a right ol telling off. Well how the feck was I too know it wasn't a party. How the feck was I to know her husband was having a heart attack and the music and the flashing lights was the paramedics. You lives and learns you do.

Knickers, Lasers and Tinnytitsups.

Its looking good as mines Mr Husband plots our (that's him, me and Elvis) months long road to tour the coasts of Britain right up one side to the tip of  Scotland back down the other side to wherever we feel like going- if we feel like coming back of course!! I am planning on how many pairs of knickers I will need (this won't take much planning), how many bath mats and ornaments I shall need. I have worked how many Elvis Cds I shall need- loads cos it be a very long way! Shame we can't go in the pea- it has a hidden tray for cakes and Scooby snacks and fandabbydoozy cd player that plays Elvis Cds one straight after the other.  I am only worried about having to sleep with him As ye all know we sleeps separate for the sake of elf and safety- HIS. He has tinnytitsups in his lugholes and tis very loud.  This is not the same as 'tit in a tin' that me muvver used to give us for tea every Wednesday. No this loud ringing and in his lugholes like I said. I can even hear it in my room and that across the landing and through two closed doors!! If ye lives near enuff to the edge of the world we could be coming very close to a drive near you for a cuppa jollop and a gossip!! (Oh and a photograph or two!!).

I am thinking today of getting some little halogen bulbs fitted to mines boobies. This will help me see things better-like mines feet for instance and where I am putting them on a dark wet night. Or day even. Mines Mr Husband says 'go for laser beams pickle- they are all the rage'. But alas I fear this will be too dangerous as I hear they could bring an aircraft out of the sky. I do listen to the news you know!! Mines Mr Husband said 'no little pickle, your boobies will never point in the direction of the sky again'.  Not sure I like his attitude.

I think someone has been adding miracle grow to my bush- it has grown very thick and fast all of a sudden. Drastic trimming in order I think or I won't be able to get through the front door!

I have been watching GP thingy program. Getting a few ideas for next time I visit mine.  I never know what to go with. So far got hand, foot and mouth, get ears syringed, see if I have sprained an ankle or two and make note to get prostate checked! Also check to see why I can't get pregnant. Although mines Mr Husband says that all they will tell me there is that the hysterectomy I had five years ago is thing that complicates this issue. Never fear I will keep trying. I don't give up easy- no siree!!

I was excited in the week when Mines Mr Husband said he ordered me a harness. It came today. I think its a bit too small. And white- Who orders white for a woman of my age?? Anyways he insists that it is meant to have long sleeves and they are meant to do up wound the back. All I can say is that tis a good job that I don't wear knickers- there would be times throughout the day when I would struggle with getting them down.

We had a nice trip to see mines muvver and mines favver in the week. Mines Muvver invited mines Mr Husband to go to the garden and see her tulips. Her tits haven't made an appearance yet this year.  I think tis cos its a bit on the chilly side. Anyways we got some nice photos of her tulips. Worth the visit said mines Mr Husband. Think he is looking forward to his next visit. He never knows what he will be showed.

Cockles, Knickers and Goolies

Did you wake up a miserable fecker today? Or did you let him sleep? I am letting mine sleep. (Sulking I bet cos FLUF (fat little ugly fecker who steals promotions) is still there!!! If yer the miserable fecker take a look in the mirror at yerself. What is it that is getting on yer nerves today? Does the way your mother put yer hat rankle with thee. Is it perched like a cockle on a rock on top of yer head? Or did yer part yer hair in the wrong place today? Look up- I am talkin about yer hair on yer head- not yer legs. Or is that yer one of yer eyebrows off by mistake when yer cuts yer fringe (Or is that just me??). Stop- check- is yer knickers on back to front or inside out, or yer socks on the wrong feet? Tis all things that can cause a soul misery. Have yer just noticed the cat in the kitchen yer been talking to all morning is just yer handbag (No?- just me again then!). Well whatever tis, tis a beautiful sunny day and if yer have a touch of the piftics today get yer self out in that there sunshine. Take yer cat and yer handbag and yer sun cream and Uncle Tom Cobleys hole and enjoy the sunshine- for next week it be sure to be freezing yer arse off and blowing a goolie again.

May Poles, Nudity and Goolies

May Day for dancing round Maypoles naked. Don't have one, so going to hang stuff on the whirlygig thingamajig in the garden and dance naked round that instead.

'After we have danced round the maypole - erm washing line whirlygig thingmajig, naked what shall we do on this cold, wet, windy day my little fruit cake?' mines Mr Husband said. I was just excited at the word cake. So I bought one. 'Lets run naked along the sea wall in Exmuff' I said- he knows I loves to do this. 'Erm- lets not' he said. 'It be far too chilly for that- tis a bit nipply noodles out and it be blowing a goolie or two'. Anyways I persuaded him to take me up the Muff just the same and up the Oracle. He has no shame - he will take me anywhere that man. I ran naked along the cliff tops sending all kinds of peoples and pets into frenzies and one or two got black eyes. Tis very busy up there on a Bank Holiday. Couple of cows looked a bit surprised as well. Anyways I had a roll round in the grass to get some perfect cliff top pictures and now I have grass stains in places I can't be showing me mother. Mines Mr Husband went dressed for hiking up a snowy mountain in the arctic. He was still shivering. It be because he very old and I forgot to take his tarten blankie. Poor Soul. I had to bring him home and thaw him out. He be having a nice warm on the sofa with a cup of something to warm his cockles. I be fine I be. I do like to feel the wind racing through me hair. Me own fault I forgot to shave. Try to remember next time.