T'was not
a good start to the day when we woke up and we only managed to get one cuppa
tea and then the electric disappeared. Yes disappeared. We had no heating, no
cooking, no more boiled kettles, no lights, no hot water, and no phone or
broadband. Mines Mr Husband would prioritise theses in different orders ye
understand- reverse order that is. We waited and we waited. And I know what ye
are all thinking, 'did ye go all the way to Glastonbury Beth without having
shower ye dirty little fecker?' Well how on earth did ye know I went to Glastonbury? I haven't
even told ye all yet. Anyways the answer is of course I feckin did. Go to Glastonbury without
having a shower that is. I had a feckin freezin
cold wash and it was a shock to me poor body (note to self- get this looked
into before building straw and horse shit house in the woods)- I fear certain
parts shall never quite be the same. Tightened me skin I tell ye- I have had to
talk out the corner of me mowff all day. Won't even go into me muff!! T'was at
the point mines Mr Husband realised we had no broadband that he decided on a
day in Glastonbury.
No broadband equals nervous breakdown in his little world. Tis two or three
years at least since I had some time floating and drifting about at Glastonbury
so I thought it was a good idea. Also I like to go there. It makes me feel
normal. However on return Mines Mr Husband has told me to apologise to:
King
Arfur's colourfully dressed handyman. I appreciate you stood in the middle of
that lane in a state of meditation staring at the sky for a good reason but T'was
ye own fault for wearing baggy trousies with elasticated waist. Must say, I
liked ye chequered under crackers. Bit like some peoples pasts that I could
tell ye of. (Ye did make I laffs though when ye started licking that window
after ye got back up. Very entertaining I thought).
Also all
thems old peoples stood round the centre thingymajig in the round square
thingy. Well of course I could read the sign ye were holdin. It said ye were
having a silent virgil. I know I mistaked it for virgin for a start but I
didn't have mines glasses on. But ye must admit I did make ye laff eventually
didn't I? And comes to think of it that ol' gal didn't look like she had an
ounce of virgin left in her. Virgin on insanity if ye ask me. Gaw on- admit it.
Even when I tickled ye ol' boys nose with nipple tassel- ye very nearly cracked
didn't ye?
Ye ol'
wise man dressed in the white. Ye know the one- the one with ye ol' white
beard. Well ye looked like Santa didn't ye? I thought that was ye under
garments. Very twangy elastic on ye drawers ye haves there don't ye? More than
can be said for ye beard- Look Santa always haves a false beard. Not mines
fault if ye didn't.
To the
girl who was dressed like Johnny Depps Willy Wonka. I had to confiscate thems
sweets from ye- T'was for ye own good. Ye father and Old King Arthur would have
approved. Tis too late for mines teeth. And where the feck did ye learn
language like that? Do ye know that ye are supposed to be quiet and peaceful in
ye olde Glastonbury?
Finally - The
shop with ye suit of armour- tis true I did pee in the leg- but I was
desperado. Truly I was. Ye can always spray it with a bit of WD40 if it starts
to go rusty. I keeps a can of that in mines cupboard just in case mines Mr
Husband's nuts goes rusty (they do from time to time and I can say with all
suredness it works a treat- he can swivel his nuts about freely with a spray of
that!)
Ye will
all be pleased to know that upon our return we have electric and broadband
(mines Mr Husbands nervous breakdown averted). I have now had a bath and a
shower - but not at the same time- even I can't be in two rooms at the same
time - least not whilst I am awake!
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