You all be thinking Beth be quiet. I have been tis true. Got
'shit' I have to sort. Important Owl shit and stuff. But I can tell ye this
much, whilst I am sorting the important Owl Shit I overheard mines Mr Husband
on the phone to the Dr telling him he needs help getting off the crack. I was
shocked. Me heart near enough stopped and corns started throbbing. So ye are
all now. I was in a panic. I ran round in little circles. Mines Mr Husband is
asking for help to get off the crack. I didn't know he was on Crack. Although
sometimes tis true it looks like his eyes are going in different directions.
And other days they looks likes lollipops on sticks. Like nipples on a cold day. Anyways after much a
wailing and shouting, turns out he was just trying to find out if they could
help get him outta his chair since I put that gorilla glue in his crack when he
was asleep face down. He gets stuck fast on seats now. Phew. I can highly
recommend gorilla glue for sticking stuff, especially butt cheeks together. Tis
expensive but worth it.
Also this week me EMU cream has finally arrived so now I can
put cream on me Emu. To be truthful it does have black pepper in it so I am not
sure how me Emu will fair with a smattering of black pepper- but I am all for a
bit of experimenting. Also been busy back and forth for days to the only place
left on the planet with any panadol night time. Getting meself a fair ol stock
now. That miserable ol' bint at chemist is getting a bit suspicious now. Mines
Mr Husband has told me to use a disguise. So tomorrow I am wearing me sun hat
and me swimming goggles and the next day I will add me snorkel. The following
day I shall wear the same but leave me knickers at home. She will not know tis
I.
On Thursday mines Mr
Husband took me up the land
of Broadchurch (he will
take me anywhere that man- he has no shame!) As soon as we arrived mines Mr
Husband saw the face painting again. I didn't want all that tantrumming shite
again so I let him be a zebra. Just for the day mind you. I not be wanting a
feckin zebra hanging round me all the time. People will be thinking tis
mightily odd when I go into Tesco with a Zebra in tow. Then he spotted the
henna tattoos and wanted his hair braiding. I said 'noooo- you don't have any
fecking hair. You be as bald as a coot'. In the end I let him have a henna
tattoo of a rabbit on his bald bits cos from the distance it looks like hairs.
Then he had a paddy for a bubblegum and fish and chip flavoured ice cream with
curry sauce. Good job they are obliging in the ices parlour. Still he managed
to get that all over his fizzhog and down his best shirt. He had to take it
off. I said 'Well pink and blue check didn't go so well with the zebra look
anyways'. Then soon as his shirt was off the old lady with the walking stick
started rubbing her hands all over his hairy chest. 'Ooooo hairy chest- I love
hairy chest' she said. Oh- hang on- that was me -yes that was my hairy chest.
Then he decided he wanted to go tomb stoning. Well he didn't actually decide- I
was trying to persuade him. But he was having none of it. He said Zebra's
didn't tombstone- he said that as 'leapt' of the cliff edge. To be fair he did
need a helping hand. Just a tiny one. Then he got chased by a lion. I said
'Told ye it was a mistake to be a feckin Zebra- not only can ye not go tomb
stoning ye are prey for the lions'. Then he said he wanted a ride on the choo
choo train up and down the seafront. We looked for one but alas they didn't
have one. I told him they wouldn't be letting zebras on a choo choo train
anyways in case they doos big doo doos. Then he started to cry and his stripes
started to run. His face was such a grey mess tinged with blue from the
bubblegum icecream. He looked then like an elephant with a cold trunk. 'Pull yer trousies up man' I said. Then a woman, who oughta know better
started calling him elephant man. I thought he was going to cry again. I thought I better not call him that again. I
thought it better if we come home. On the way back to the car he started to
fart. I am sure it was the bubblegum icecream. The third time he did it I said
(in my sternest dinner lady voice) 'STOP
THAT'- and he said 'I would but I don't know which direction it went in'. I
tell ye, I am going to think twice about going out again for the day with
him...............Gone are the days when yer went to the seaside and yer just
got sand in yer crack.
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