I am typing this from inside a cardboard box. Tis only place
left in the house. Mines Mr Husband has gone missing- I think he may be lost in
the maze of boxes or even packed in one. I keep hearing muffled sounds
interspersed with farts. This is why I haven't bothered looking for him. The
carbon monoxide thingy that's detects obnoxious fumes keeps going off- so at
least I know that for the moment he is still alive. I want to find him later
because I have a dead seagull for him that I found last night.
Anyways I want to tell ye
that the osteopath has told me that having arthritis in the spine means
that my mobility will get worse- I guess this means that I will soon have
trouble walking to my mobility scooter. I asked him if it means I will have to
give up my hobby. 'What is your hobby?' he asked 'Photography and bird
watching' I tells him. 'Well' he said ye can still do that'. 'Well' I told him,
'I climb naked up trees to do it'. He gulped. 'Well', says he, 'I think maybe
ye should re-think it'. This saddened me. 'Ok,' I tells him, 'I will wear me
hat and gloves in future'. After the
stripping naked debacle he made me lay face down on the bed. I told him I am
more comfortable on all fours but he made me lay flat face down whilst he
attempted to un-stick some of my bones. (And yes, it is every bit as painful as
it sounds! You can gasp here!!). When he had me flat down and my poor face
buried in a pillow he said 'I suggest you take up aqua aerobics'- I tried to
respond but he was pushing me into the bed with his knee firmly in my back
'Aqua feckin whatabics?' I says. 'Be still and quiet' he says. To be honest I
was rendered speechless. Not often that happens. Then he made me turn over and
he tried to lift my legs above my head. Tis a very long time since I done that.
I did warn him that it was not good to do that but he didn't listen and that
was when I farted and blew out six candles. Anyways I told Mines Mr Husband
what he said. I told him 'I think mines sister (the psychotic one with the
camel toe and all the kids) does that aqua acrobatics stuff in her bedroom'. He
gulped. 'No my darling, that is something else entirely' he says. 'My friends
at the airport do thems aerobatics' I said- 'I think I could do that'.
Apparently that's not the same either. Anyway mines Mr Husband is going to buy
me a swimming costume. No idea what feckin for. Ye won't get me going swimming.
I don't like water. Also mines brother don't like water. Or soap. Or deodorant. Dirty
little fecker he is.
Well I would love to sit and chat to thee all day but I got
a tip this yer box on its side and get out there be jobs that won't do
themselves and I have just spied mines Mr Husbands head over the top of the
boxes- oh no wait- it's a boiled egg......
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