Matching Balls and Naked Snowboarding

'Twas lovely of mines osteopaff to put mines intereverterbrates back in in mines back but I sure is bruised. It feckin hurts. So mines Mr Husband said to sit with the frozen peas again. That guys is why I am writing this from the second drawer down (or up if ye are laying down) in the freezer.

 Saturdays: We been watching the Olympics. Me favourite is the going on the slide on a red tea tray. And the snowboards. Tis my opinion the Olympics would be better if they all did it naked. I said to mines Mr Husband 'we could do that Snowboarding. We could do it naked. We could go up the Co-op, have a drop of Jack Daniels (for courage) and then you could slap some butter (or margarine cos its cheaper) on the handrails down the steps and we could practice. I have it all planned out and then next time the Olympics is on we could apply'. Then he said 'Ye can't do that with yer arfritic hips me little fruitcake and don't be forgetting that I got dodgy knees. We have to find something gentler at our time in life' . I knew that fecker would piss on me chips. I am going to suggest the knobbly skiing later cos he likes that. If he still refuses I am deffo putting our names down for the naked cruising of the coast of  Devon later this year. Deffo!

 Thursday: Don't do today what you can tomorrow. Don't put it off or whatever. You could be dead. Or someone else could be. Thats a hot top tit. Also talking of hot tits if you see someone with their head on fire- take no chances they are having a stroke and the advice is to either move away or call 999. I told mines Mr Husband if he sees me with head on fire he can let me die. Don't go mithering the ambulance people. They are busy and for real emergencies. He said 'I wouldn't let you die cos I love you'. I said 'well I will let you die'. He said that that was fair enough if that case then. I already had a mini stroke and he didn't see if me head was on fire or not. He wasn't yer was he. But I did say to him to check first- it might not be me having a stroke- no it might be cos I have had me hat too tight and me head just got too warm.

 Wednesday:  From me fan mail: 'Dear Aunty Beth- How do you keep looking so young?' Love Doris. Bet thats her over back yer with the cotton candy striped sheets from way back when. (I seed them on her line the other week having their yearly wash). Anyways  Good Question Doris. I will tell ye- cream. Plenty of creaming of the face I tell ye. Ye haves to have a lot of cakes- with cream in middle and on top - takes a lot of cake cream to stay looking so young! Simples. Or ye can buy it in a jar but tisn't so much fun. Have a nice day Doris. (P.S- I sees you picking yer nose every morning- don't forget to wave to me when you gets to the bridge!)

 Monday : I have watched a thingymajig about the best wellies to wear. The best hot top tit they had was that Kids wellies should be worn for short periods of time only. I think this is great advice because I really struggle to get kids wellies on! Murder to walk in! Also probably when I find Mines Mr Husband wellies at the road side I should try to find two the same size because he really moans about how uncomfortable they are and tis important wellies are comfortable! He will be well chuffed at me if I make a greater effort for him I am sure.

I also keeps seeing on the telly that if you got three matching balls ye are likely to get a prize. Also, not mentioned, lots of notoriety because ye should have only two balls! Please, if ye haves three matching balls ring me first.

And finally mines bestie has asked when I am going to write a new book- all I can say guys- is watch this space but meanwhile you can still get mines other two on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/SO-THIS-HEAVEN-Elvis-Facebook-ebook/dp/B01N2SHA9M/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1518345117&sr=8-2&keywords=elisabeth+lucas

Bananas, Badgers and Testicles

Oh I have a real devil may care attitude today. Not only have I upset pathetic Ant Mcpartlin fans I have dared to load me own dishwasher! Obviously Mines Mr Husband has had to re-load it properly- but nevertheless I did it. I may carry on in this way- I might mix the recycling up later! Anyways you be wondering what else I been upto this week I bet. So here tis:

 Thursday :If I were to ask you who you thought I loved the most in the world today, you could be forgiven for saying it was you, or Mr Husband, or my children or my grandchildren or even my dog. My dog? WTF are you on about? You know I ain't got a dog. I got a pussy but we don't go there on cold days like today thank you. No siree. Tis none of these things that I love the most today. Anyways the person I love most in the world today is mines osteopaff. I have been in soooo much pain for two or more weeks now. No-one knew this because I just bare it. Also I get on with the pain. Although to be fair it did get too bad one day so I took two paracetomol. But mines wonderful osteopaff fitted me in with an appointment and found a bone out in mines neck and that mines pelvis had twisted . I blame jailhouse rock meself-  I was a listening to that in the week. Tis well known for sending Pelvis's into the ether is that. He laid me on that bed and he pulled, pushed and stuck things in me. Today I am floating like a piece of light fluffy bread. I can actually stand up straight and move me head from side to side. How cool is that? Mr Osteopaff I love you to the moon and back! However, today I have a pain betwixt the shoulder blades- I blame this on listening to Dolly Partons greatest tits. What with the weight of hers and mine combined.......................

 Friday: We was driving out to our muvvers and when we got close I sees two dead badgers. Whole. A pair. With eyes and everyfin. 'STOP' I shouts at Mines Mr Husband- 'tis a late birfday present for ye'. He says 'if it's someat dead, I don't want nuffin else'. I tells him its badgers. He likes badgers. 'You likes badgers' I says.  He says he likes them but he likes them living thank you very much. I says to him 'Well I can't do fecking bringing back to life miracles but I can recycle them' He said 'Look I had a nice pair of trainers for me birfday and I am happy with that'. 'I know that' I tells him- 'I thought ye would like a nice pair of slippers made with badger' I says. By then we was at me muvvers cos he wouldn't stop even when I lifted me top and flashed mines boobies. However the man coming in the opposite direction swerved and went in the hedge- silly sod. Anyways I got me mobility walker out and I went back up the road- I picked them up in me walker and brings them back. I got mines favver to put them in a carrier bag disguised as large spuds. Mines Mr Husband won't even know until he gets slippers! Also I seed me bestie Kim- I think she wants me to do her fringe.

Thursday : I said to mines Mr Husband 'I love kayaking in the bath'. He said 'You dyslexic fruit bat- yakking- it's yakking in the bath you love'. I said 'ho eayh'. Good job I got him or I could end up in a elkcip.

Monday I found out Guys you can get Botox for your Testicles. Tis called Scrotox. Don't be wasting your £'s. Just chuck an ice cube in your under crackers- that will do the same thing. I am going to try it out on Mines Mr Husband later.

Tuesday I had an electician. Well when I say had..........he came to look in me little cupboard. I must say these electrician blokes are nice are they not? Although I have to say they are not too happy when you take the cable and start tying them up to put in the cupboard under the stairs. 'Think of the kids missus' he said. I said 'I never think of my kids when I am tying up men to keep under the stairs. My kids just don't wanna know'. He said 'not your kids missus- mine- I gotta get to the childminder and pick them up- tis my turn'. I must be getting soft in me ol age cos I had to let him go. I showed him me boobies on the way out though and told him to come again- he is always wellcum here!

Final thought: I have read this week there is going to be a shortage of bananas. Well less of a shortage and more of an extinction. Thats going to play havoc with hers across the roads love life I fear. I just hope we don't have the same issue with cucumber or she is really going to be stuffed. (Or not as the case maybe.)