Midnight Goings On, Cocks and Pineapples

WEDNESDAY: At 1.30 this morning I was forced to run down the road in just me orgasm socks to retrieve me new wheelie bin only to find two things out:
1. Mines Mr Husband, who's turn it was on New Wheelie Bin Guard duty and slunked off and hidden under a duvet on the bed in his bedroom
2. Tis awfully nipply out there in the middle of the night in November
3. It wasn't even our Wheelie Bin- ours was still safely tucked behind the pea sheltering from the winter.
At 4am I was dragging me arse around the bedroom, in wet orgasm socks looking for me 12 hour volterol because being the numpty I am I didn't think I would need painkillers before bedtime last night.
At 6am I was gasping for a cup of tea and was hoping that Mr Husband would wake up soon and give me one. And a cup of tea.
Then boom- I turn on the internet only to find that Orange is the New Black and the White House is now being run by an Ooompah Loompah who thinks that bombing all imaginary cities in fairytales are a good idea and all woman are fair game. The Queen is keep her hand on her corgi. I immediately tried to emigrate to Canada and then Mines Mr Husband said it was ok- We live in Britain and we have that lovely Teresa May here in charge. I immediately tried to emigrate to Canada.
I want an adventure today but Mines Mr Husband has said 'you need to stay at home today and trim yer bush cos its beginning to look like ye got hairy toes'. I said 'ye cheeky fecker- I have got hairy toes'. I think he just don't wanna go out in the cold. I was going to treat us to fish and chips as well.
On a lighter note- I have read this week that women should be having at least three orgasms a week for the sake of their elves. Gnome kidding. I don't think mines Orgasm socks are working anymore so I need to buy some more.

 THURSDAY:Whilst one half the world are mourning the fact that the White House will have a new resident, a racist, sexist, pussy grabbing, homophobic, oompah loompah, (Its all about the colours this season girlfriend!) and the other dumb ass half are celebrating because this just what Jesus ordered because it would be good for America- I am sat here filled with excitement because I am waiting for the delivery of a new, deep washing up bowl in the colour Linen. Life just don't get better than this!!

Note to Aladdin - I know my dear friend that the new resident of the White House said he will bomb your beautiful city- forgive him- He knows not what he says- but just in case I suggest you get your arse on that rug and get the hell outta there. Better be safe than sorry. P.S if you bring cake you can hide here!

You know you are in this part of the world when you pass a sign declaring you are outside BLACK COCK INN and you are out for a drive on a Thursday and you go past a railway with a sign outside saying NEXT TRAIN :TUESDAY.

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband said to me 'If ye don't find yer chin tweezers soon you be going to have bearded tits nestling in between yer knees.' Umph. I said 'One more comment like that and you will have your knees nestling between yer fat balls'. Keen bird watchers we be.

TUESDAY; We did go for an adventure today. I went down on me arse at the bottom of the waterfall- AGAIN! Fortunately I only walloped cracked me hip again and didn't get me camera wet. I found some good things for presents for mines Mr Husband. A lovely pair of shoes. Tis unusual to find a pair and they looked ok so they did. I could hardly contain me excitement. 'Look Mr Husbands- a PAIR of shoes for ye'. He declined. His reason? I tell ye- he said they'd be too small. I said 'Ye don't know that until ye tries them on'. He said he wouldn't even bother because He knew they was and they were. I said 'Ye can always scrunch ye toes up and arch ye foot'. Ever the pessimist he said they'd make him walk funny. I said 'no- they will just make thee walk funnier- and ye can always walk behind me and I won't notice'. Also found him a nice black leather skirt and a leopard print back pack in the same spot. I think there was probably someone wandering around naked somewhere.

On the way home I found him two dead foxes, a skeleton of something interesting (don't ask me what I ain't feckin skeleton expert) and not one, not two but 14 rabbits. I said to him 'put these on yer head'. He said 'For fecks sake woman why?' I said 'cos from a distance they looks like hairs'. Also found something unidentifiable but this is the thing with dead presents. Sometimes they are just a surprise.

SATURDAY; Talking of surprises I took all the labels off the tins in the cupboard so we could have more surprises for dinner sometimes. Tonight we had pork chops and custard. Tonight we have tinned peaches and meat balls. Yum!