Wax that Crack and Shift thee Ass

Last night I went and had a bath. T'was not mines birfday or anything. But tis how we roll in this house. Sometimes we do bath. Mines Mr Husband also had a bath. Not at the same time. We too old and cake shaped now. Last time we did this we both got jammed and my arferitic joints locked and we had to have three fire engine and twelve firemen to free us. Well we didn't have to have that many but I thought 'What oh, here be me chance to have a few fireman'. T'was like bath twister without the coloured cirlces. Anyways last after mines bath, (mines bath last night- not the one with the fireman. Not that I bathed with the fireman!) I got back downstairs and do ye know what I found? Well I tell ye. T'was mines Mr Husband sat naked as naked can be on mines peanut coloured leather sofa! Not a stitch on. Nuffink. 'What the feck ye be doing?' I asked. He looked surprised. 'Just watching telly' he answered casually. Just watching feckin telly? Sat there on my peanut coloured leather sofa, naked, just watching telly! He had no shame. He has no shame that man. He made no attempt to get dressed whatsoever. 'What ye doing naked on my peanut coloured leather sofa with no clothes on?' I demanded to know. He then spouted all this stuff about it being his sofa too and who pays the rent. Blah blah. And then he asked 'would he complain if Johnny Depp should be sat here on ye peanut coloured leather sofa with no clothes on?'.  What kind of a question is that to be asking a girl. Of course I wouldn't be complaining, I would be moaning so I would. So then I asked him a very personal question( Mines Mr Husband that is- not Johnny Depp- there wouldn't be time for questions with Johnny Depp!) - 'Have ye ever thought about getting ye crack waxed?'. Well then he looked shocked. Anyone would think this kind of question was well beyond my thinking. 'What a strange thing to ask me ye little fruitcake', he said. 'Why did ye ask me that?'. 'Well' I said 'just that when ye was off hob knobbing with big knobs I waxed the sofa with ye olde Lord Sheraton, and I haven't cleaned it off yet'! He gave me a shocked WTF look and then considered his position on my peanut cooured leather sofa. When he thought about it he soon shifted his arse then. He flew off that sofa. He won' t be sitting down for long at work tomorrow that be for sure!! On the plus side I don't have to clean that wax off me self now!!

Tie him up and keep him under the stairs and then dance naked

 WEDNESDAY: 9.30am Pleased with myself for identifying that the boiler is leaking.' How did ye do that Beth?' I hear ye all asking. Simples I tell ye.I opened the door and found that stuff was wet! So I touched the pipe and found that water was running down out. That guys is how ye find out if ye boiler is leaking. I thought 'ooh, water. That could mean the boiler is leaking'. And it is!! Well done me. Bet the FBI could use my detection skills. And get this, I rang EON and told them, all by myself. I only panicked when he asked me for me email address( for security reasons )because I gave him it and he said 'twas wrong. Eeejit he is. Like anyone is going to ring to get them to fix someone else's boiler!! Anyways the good news is I have had a nice chat to a nice man at EON and the letting agent. And tis exciting because now an engineer has to call- yay- company!! Ye know what that means don't ye guys? Yep thems of ye who knows me well. Remember the parcel man in the summer? Or the old peoples who were passing to visit the neighbours? Or Ivor the last estate agent? OH yay- anything could happen.................

11.30 am Was good news- the electrician called in off the cuff to complete a job he started weeks ago............I bet he wished he hadn't. I am glad I had me bra on. Tied him up with the cable, put him under the stairs for later.......Nigel due in two hours or less to mend the boiler........................

3pm Doing well today- that's two men under me stairs today- Nigel was glad too though- I think he thought I talked too much. Nice man- very nice man. Although he did have a twitch I feel this may be increased slightly by being under the stairs with Alan. Plus a message for mines Mr Husband from him- don't keep turning the thermostat down!!!

10pm Ah mines Mr Husband is home again. He has hob knobbed with the big knobs til he is all hob knobbed out. He said its lovely to be back home with his hot sexy and beautiful wife. I told him T'was generous to say such a thing and that I would pass in a crowd. Then he said 'yes but ye shine as an individual'. I said 'no, I glow in the dark. Tis a different thing all together'. He gone to his own bed for snorey sleeping now. Would be a good time now to go and have a chat with Alan and Nigel in the cupboard under the stairs.

THURSDAY: Mines Mr Husband has found out about Alan (the electrician) and Nigel (the plumber- with the twitch) that I tied up with cable and put under the stairs for later. He says I am to let them go home. I did do as my sister in law told me and presented each of them with a duster and polish. That's polish as in Mr Sheen not the country Poland Polish. Turns out Alan the electrician is called Andy (I thought he said Alan but then he did have tape on his mouth) is quite nifty with a duster. Nigel not so. Also Nigel has a twitch and tourettes and a heart condition. So I sent him home. I don't want nobody to deal with that got a heart condition. I dance naked on Saturdays to Elvis- don't want nobody having a heart attack on my highly polished  wooden flooring.  However, electricians are harder to get hold of. Ye know I waited 6 weeks for that man to fix my light and then the cheeky fecker wanted to keep the bulb I paid 10squids for. So I think I will be keeping the Alan/Andy person for the foreseeable future. I won't tell Mines Mr Husband because he gets funny about me keeping men under the stairs in our little cupboard. He goes on about Human Rights and stuff. I don't believe in all that. Not when it comes to getting an electrician. Also he will be handy for untangling the xmas lights. We haven't actually had xmas for some years now (cos it hurts soooo much- xmas is for families) but I do like to untangle the lights to keep up with tradition. They are blue our xmas lights- just by chance they match mines little sisters hair (the one with issues, day confusion, constipation and accidental blue hair). She will be chuffed that our xmas lights match her hair.

I have consulted with my rice krispies this morning. They have told not to do anything but sing today but I have to make bread today.  Don't wear the wrong size bra peoples- its dangerous for ye health. Or don't wear one. Just put one on when ye goes out so ye don't get nipple burns on the pavement.

Gotta go now- the electrician say he needs a wee. Don't want damp patches in me cupboard.

Twerking, 5 a day, Cooking Heads

 SATURDAY-I bet ye thinking I be quiet. Not really. I dragged mines Mr Husband out of the house this morning for a trip to Dawlish. I didn't want to go particularly to Dawlish I wanted to go somewhere else but I couldn't for the damn life of me think what the place was called. So Dawlish it was because I had to say something before mines Mr Husband got very angry with me and I was determined to get that man off his arse and into the fresh air. He sulked. He swore at all the other drivers on HIS road. He wasn't even happy when I yelled 'STOP! I see a dead buzzard'- He can be ungrateful- I was going to get it for his collection. I got him not one, not two but three dead badgers last week. Was he grateful? Nope, feckin misery guts. He shivered and moaned all the morning despite being wrapped up in his Scottish Highland 200 year old anorak and his tartan blanket. Tis cos he is old now. I walked all along the seafront basking in the sunshine- t'was warm and cold at the same time but invigorating I felt. Was he feckin invigorated? Nope. He was blue. So I took him for coffee to warm him up and I told him of my plans to get some strong hiking boots, a pop up tent (just like the one in my Three Little Pigs book- what ye mean ye haven't read it?? Why not??), and a sleeping bag, and a shopping dilly (I got dodgy hips don't ye know?) and then I will be off to travel by my own around the globe. If mines little sister (the one with the issues, day confusion and constipation) can do it so can I. Do ye know what he said to me do ye??  No? I will tell ye. He said 'Give me some warning of when ye will be leaving and I will make thee some bread rolls to take'.  Umph.

SUNDAY - It has happened. Mines Mr Husband has learned that twerking is a sexually provocative dance. He has now forbidden me from twerking against strangers in Tesco. I asked him what he thought I had been doing all these years. He said 'Farting and then shaking the glitter down ye leg'. Tut tut.

MONDAY -Well big day for me. I ventured outside on me lonesome. I don't do this much. There are people are out there don't ye know. Tis true I only went to the Co-op round the corner. I bought some padded envelopes because they seemed such good value. A box of chocolate biscuits because I need a treat. Four bounty bars because Coconut is good for you - so I hope ye will all feel the benefit of me eating these. Also Mines Mr Husband hates coconut so I always opt for these because I know he won't do secret eating of my chocolate. And I hear ye all asking what else did ye buy Beth? Well I tell ye. I bought a carrot. Just the one. Well I only needed one. One will be plenty. Woman at checkout held it up after checking out other stuff and give me a sideways glance. 'Tis ok', I assured her- 'I am going to eat it- it forms part of my balanced diet. Tis one of my five a day-it goes with the four bounty bars'. Now of course if they had done bounty bars in packs of five I could have dispensed with the carrot altogether. But sadly the government peoples say we have to have five a day- That's chocolate bars and orgasms. Also mines husband is going to be hob knobbing with all the knobs at 'THE' office this week so I need a treat- tis a bit of comfort food. Well ye can't blame me.

 TUESDAY;Whoohoo- tis Tuesday. I like Tuesdays. Tuesdays are orange . Even when tis grey outside, tis an orange day. I do happy things on Tuesday like houseworky stuff. Today is a bit a different though because Mines Mr Husband has gone to 'THE' office to hob Knob with the big Knobs (I did tell ye all this yesterday- keep up).  This means two days and a night to mineself. 'What will ye do when I am away mines little pickled pumpkin?' he asked. I gave him the same answer that I always gives him when he goes away 'I will do the same things that ye would do if ye was left alone for days' I tells him. This ensures he soon comes back. Actually I shall probably be watching mines new DVD of Paddington, or I might watch the Minions again- or even Shaun the Sheeps. I shall curl up with mines five a day (four bounty bars and a carrot) and I have a bottle of coconut juice and pineapple (I do believe it has a splash of rum in it)- so I might have a drop of that. Colin Firth have also mentioned he may pop by. I think that was what he said.  I helped him pack his suitcase (that's mines Mr Husband not Shaun the sheeps or Colin Firth- Colin won't be needing clothes here- it is a really nice warm house). Tis true he is big enough to pack his own case these days but I had to him help guys. He only packed one pair of knickers and one pair of socks and one shirt. What kind of packing is that? 'Why only one of everything', I asked him. 'Cos I am only going overnight pumpkin- tis all I will need'. He said he might be going clubbing so I have packed his club and his seal skin. Ye can't be going clubbing without that. He hasn't even packed a choice of footwear or hairdryer. I have packed him some ornaments and a bath mat. These hotels tend to be a sparse. Anyways today I have to finish knitting a turtle so I can't be doing bloggin all day. But before I go I say have a massive happy 50th Birthday to mines little sister (the one with issues, day confusion, constipation and accidental blue hair). Tis not her birthday but she needs reminding she is 50 cos her memory is shite.

Headlines today:' Cohabiting is reducing the divorce rate'- well who the feck would have thought it. Where would we be without feckin journalists eh?

Also They be talking about Christmas on loose women and asking if ye do cook a head for xmas day. Well to tell ye the truth we usually do a bit of lamb (or egg and chips if it falls on a weekday- yes guys I even doos me washing on xmas day)- but this year I have been thinking of cooking a head. Then I am thinking of using the hair and teeth to make a nice necklace and using the skull for a soup bowl. Must thank my girl Anna for the idea and the recipe. I don't have ye olde head yet but all I can say is don't anybody be pissing me off before xmas cos it could be your head I will be cooking.

Pussies and Tits are now Licked!!

A WEEK AT THE MADHOUSE

BEGINNING OF THE WEEK: Already in trouble this morning for running round the garden naked to chase that darned ginger pussy that keeps making a beeline for me tits. When Mines Mr Husband is at work he doesn't know if I am running round the garden naked or not. He said 'Don't be out there running round naked, this weather is bad for ye arferitic joints'.

Also I have been looking at the jungle line up. I don't know why they go to the all the bother of going all that way to eat testicles and grubs. They actually have cake in Australia. I know this for sure. Also I see that one half of Trinny and Susannah are going in the jungle. I don't know whether its the top half or the bottom half.

Ye know I am a great believer in not having kids if ye can't afford 'em. Good news for ye all. They got 30% of all kids at BHS this week. So ye might be able to afford one after all. Tis true, I heard on the telly.

Also I see the adverts have started for getting theeself a snow leopard or manky donkey for just £3. Tis a good idea cos they haven't put the price up. Mines Mr Husband is saying nope at the moment cos I still got three snow leopards and four wonkey donkeys from last year. Also The homeless one I bought dinner for is still here. Although he claims to be married to me- tis debatable.

Mines Mr Husband is baffled why I be sat here with a bag of frozen onion rings on me nipples. 'Mind thee own business', I told him. He insisted I tell him. 'Ok', I said 'tis cos the ibroprofen I put on thems earlier brought me face out in a rash'. He just looked at me with confusion and said 'Well if that was the case mines little pumpkin, I should have thought it would have been ye knees that comes out in a rash cos ye nipples are closer to thee knees than ye nipples'.

END OF WEEK; Well I am pleased. I seem to have this pussy versus tits problem in my garden licked with the ever so useful Mr Husband playing his part. We now have some nice willow trellis around the fence and a water pistol to dampen any would be naughty puss who thinks he can have my tits for brekkie. Mines Mr Husband thinks I will have no reason now to run around the garden in me nuddy pants but I think I may even find another reason for that..................

Death, Twerking and Cake

I love the fact that Loose Women discussed funerals and death today because so many people think it's too taboo. Because we are getting older and because I am bi-polar we discuss such morbid stuff regularly. We did this for an hour and half the other night just before we went to sleep. Mines Mr Husband doesn't want a funeral at all. He says its a waste of money. Much like going to the dentist. Another thing he won't do. He doesn't want anyone told either- nope not no-one- unless they ask specifically. It will be like, 'how is Steve? Is he dead?' Yep- I get asked that all the time so I do. I say 'no- he is just reading. He don't be moving a lot so he don't'. So all alone, I have to get rid of the body and then carry on like nothing as happened. Then I am to cremate him- which means putting him in the toaster I think. Our toaster tends to be where we cremate most stuff. Then I can keep him in a pot near the fireplace. Which we don't have!! A fireplace- not a pot. I don't want ye all thinking we ain't even got a pot to pi*s in-or put bodies in. I told him I will take a bit of him in a little bag where-ever I go so he is always with me if he likes. I haven't decided which bit yet. Then I told him that I want a big funeral, lots of weeping and sobbing. Everyone I know is to be there. There will be reading out of letters from me to everyone- yep even the arseholes. I will tell them all straight so I will. Then I want my favourite songs- The fair's moving on by Elvis and The Comedians by Roy Orbison. With a bit of Robbie Williams thrown in. Then I want salmon on cobs like me ol' mother-in-law would have done it. With a bit of cucumber. And loads of cake. I want someone to do Wrecking Ball and a bit of twerking and I would like someone to whip me nae nae. Then I want to be a tree. I deffo want to be a tree. So, there we are, laid there before we go to sleep talking funerals. Well mine, cos he don't want one remember? Then he says 'I think ye needs a therapist me little pumpkin'. Me need a therapist? He's the one that don't be wanting a funeral. So I finally agreed to a therapist. We are currently deciding whether a therapist should sleep in my bed or have his own room. Well I am discussing it. Mines Mr Husband seems to be a little shy of the idea! I don't know why- he suggested the feckin therapist in the first place!

Up yours and mine Updates and Good news

Well its good news. Just rang mines mother. I am who I am. I do exist. She reckons she was there when I was born and she can remember it. So up yours Mr Tax Man. Also said I won't be needing bathmats in the Seychelles because I can dip in the sea and come out and stand on the nice warm sand. Yay. Tis all good. Also two texts from my son and my daughter to send love-on a roll now. Having a singalong with Elvis and Beth

Up Yours And Mine Also...............

Well it been a funny ol' few days. According to the Inland Revenue I do not exist. (I know there are some who wish that- but we don't talk about them!) They sent me a form for immigrants to fill in! What a load of Iffle Piffle whatsit thingymajig that is. The woman at the council said they could fine me, imprison me or deport me!!! I am opting for deportation- I am going to come clean with them and tell them that I have come here illegally from the Seychelles and just hope that they deport me there. I have always fancied going to the Seychelles. Before I moved I found the original piece of paper they sent me when I was 15 yrs 9m with my NI number on it. The one I have used all my feckin life. Mines Mr Husband said 'Keep it safe'. I laughed. 'I have kept it all these years safe' I tells him. 'I don't think it be will unsafe now. I will just put it back in the same safe place'. And I did. And now I hear ye all asking 'where is the safe place?'. Well that be what I am going to ask ye lot. Any of ye know? Cos I sure as hell can't remember. I have turned this house upside down. On top of that I have a whole lot of stupid questions to answer- like all the places I have lived and worked (with dates). Well good luck to IR with getting that out of me. I am damned if I can remember. Also two questions (in this order)that are truly iffle piffle designed to baffle! It worked.

Details of first marriage:

Details of Previous marriage:

Now I am no Carol Vorderman- details of first marriage I can do- and even of the second but the previous one before the first one? Who are these people who write these feckin forms?? I got a feckin headache I have from all the stuff going round in me head. And I filled it in wrong because I cannot for the life of me work it out. I am going to write them one of my long letters. I might pop in a little advert for me new book. And to top it all I have to pack to go to the Seychelles. Wonder if I should pack bath mats?

Also this weekend the Cranbrook newspaper thingy has arrived. Pictures of the pumpkin party that I got ejected from all over the thing. Not one picture of the only person who turned up as a pumpkin- ok naked painted orange with a light bulb shoved up me arse (that was Mines Mr Husbands bright idea- his little contribution- he said I have a little contribution to shove up yer backside- t'was worrying to say the least- then he produced the light bulb. I know what ye are thinking- but t'was ok- t'was an alogen bulb and eco friendly and stuff). Anyways I am disappointed to see that I wasn't even mentioned let alone photographed so I have to write to the editor and get this sorted. Hopefully I will be in next months paper. I think I should at least get a mention all the effort we went to. I still got orange paint in some of me cracks.

The car passed the MOT - only one little light bulb needed. Cost us £1, and then £12 to fit it. I said to mines Mr Husband- 'I have a left over alogen bulb yer ye could have used. Still plenty of use in that- was only used for a pumpkin party'. He could have saved us a £1. Anyways that's hims happy for another year.

Mines Mr Husband hasn't been well of late. He has been seeing the Doctor. This week she took one look at me and then told him she knows what is wrong with him. 'Mr Husband- ye are depressed and stressed and anxious'. I kid ye not that's what she said!! She wants him to join a group. He says he will. (Think tis a ploy to have a break from me). I can't think of a worse group to join than one thats full of stressed and anxious and depressed people. I says to Mines Mr Husband 'don't ye be wasting time on that- if ye wants to be in a room full of people like that I will take ye to one of our family gatherings'. Now he really is anxious.

Well enjoy ye Sunday folks or whatever day tis in your part of the world. If ye are having a birthday have a drink for me and send me the cake.x

Testicles, Bonfire Doodah and the Nun

Monday -Phew. Just been for a swim. Well I have had a bath with no clothes on. Same thing. Whilst I was there I realized it is Movember. Ya know what that means don't ye? A return to feel 'em Friday and suck 'em Saturday. Yes ye can go round feeling testicles willy nilly in the name of saving men from themselves. Oh much excitement here now. NOTE TO SELF: must not do it to store manager at tesco this year.

 Tuesday - Apparently calling security and getting the store emptied in Debenhams is unacceptable - well how the feck was I supposed to know I was in the luggage department. I only went in to browse the knickers. Apparently that's unacceptable too- called perversion or something. Nobody wants any fun anymore.

Thursday Also -Well I be hearing ye all asking for another of Beths Top Tips. Well I have more than one for ye today. First of all it be bonfire doodah- although its looking a tad on the moist side to me. And so is bonfire doodah. Pussies hate firework night. Keep your hand on your pussies, snaffle thems real tight and keep thems safe from big bangs. Second top tip if ye are havin a baby call it Gary cos they be on the wane. I don't care if it be a girl- we need some Garys. And thirdly tis this- don't fart and belch at the same time.' Why ever not?' I hear ye all ask. Well I will tell ye. Cos ye feels like ye body is being wrenched in two directions and it makes ye feel weird. I may put that it in my second book- 'The secret life of mines little sister (she is a nun!), rhubarb and brain farts. Watch later, going to post a bit from me first book to whet ye appetitties of all thems who can't be making up thems minds to buy one.

 Sunday -I always dread mines Mr Husband finishing nights because he suffers bear with sore head days- and so do I. On the plus side I can serve him his Christmas pudding (I know its November- but that's how we roll) with garlic mayonnaise instead of cream and doesn't mind. Doesn't notice, doesn't mind. Same thing.

Wednesday -Mines Mr Husband has been asking me (nicely) to let go of his testicles all the week. I tell him it's all in the name of Movember and keeping him safe.' I am feeling for lumps', I told him.' I found two'. Philip Schofield always tells us to feel for them in Movember.  Anyways Mines Mr Husband says its not good to do in the supermarket, council offices or park. I did find two lumps though. But they feel like brains to me to be fair. He says they are supposed to be there. I am telling all of ye because now I have found them I am not sure what I am supposed to do with them.

 Thursday -Mines Mr Husband is questioning my decision to get up early this morning and run around the garden naked in the rain. Decision? I am not sure it was a decision- more of an urge I would say. There was a pussy after me tits- I had to do it. What would you have done???

Keep ye eye for me- I will be back.......................