If Ye think I haven't been about much this week - well I
have been busyish. First I had a new haircut. Well when I say new haircut- it's
be the same hair and Icut it meself as usual. I have since had a stiff neck cos
me head needs cocking on one side now to make it look level. I knew this would
happen as soon as mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day
confusion) went away. Secondly we booked a surprise holiday for our 6th Wedding
Anniversary later this month. Mines Mr Husband is all excited. I don't know
why- the surprise is that I am going with the male stripper I have booked for
mines birthday-and that be a surprise for mines Mr Husband too! Mines Mr
Husband has asked me what I would like for mines Birthday. I told him I don't
need anything and I would be happy with a birthday card and a cake with Icing.
He just looked at me puzzled. 'Ok,' I said 'just the cake with Icing'. He still
looked puzzled. 'Okay', I said 'just the damned Icing- as long as I don't have
to roll it out meself'. So looks like me birthday will be me in me birfday
suit and party hat in bed all day with a packet of Icing. Beats sitting in
front the Jeremy Kyle show eating jelly out of a packet. Of course it has
already started- birfday cakes eyeing me up from the shelves in the shops and
asking to come home with me. Thirdly I had an 'emergency' dash to the osteopath
when one of mines legs decided it really didn't want to play anymore. I thought
mines osteopath he seemed like he was a) drunk; b) suffering from dementia. I
thought 'mmm I have more to worry about than farting when he tries to lift
mines leg above mines head today'. Then he started rambling about not doing
what the other osteopath who had left wrote in mines notes. I told him I never
seen the other osteopath because he had left. He argued a convincing case I
must say. At first I thought 'Bad leg or not cocker I am going to get off this
feckin bed in a minute and swing for ye-' (and not from the lampshade like I do
for mines Mr Husband!). Then I thought that I was a) either drunk or b)
suffering from dementia. He even brought my card over to show me the notes
mines 'other osteopath' had written. 'Look', he said triumphantly, 'Richards
writing; Your card'. I looked. Could have been Richards writing I agreed.
Equally it could have been Uncle Tom Cobbley's. Then I look at the name. Mrs Kathleen
Lucas. There didn't seem to be something right about that. Then It dawned on me
I am Mrs Elisabeth Lucas (although not according to EDC- according to them I
don't even exist). I triumphantly pointed this out to him. It took a while for
it to dawn on him and he ran from the room leaving me half naked on his bed.
Now I don't mind being half naked on a bed (even tied down) but when a man runs
from a room............I thought-'well, thats never happened before- ye must be
losing ye touch gal'. On his return he apologised and I said to him 'You eejit
you- good job ye never feckin operated on me'. Anyways by way of making it up
to me he did give me a damn good seeing to. He even asked very nicely if he
could hold my bum whilst he pulled my something or other. 'Hold away' I said.
Anyways leg marginally usable now and he repeated that I am not to do any
jogging or climbing. Finally I have started a Dignitas Fund- I need £7000 and I
have managed over the past year to save £40. I am saving in Ernest. He is my
piggy bank. I only need £6000 and some more to go and then I am off to Switzerland to
see Sven for me cheerio's. And before any of ye starts I tell ye this- I don't
want to live until I am 103 or even 53 (omg- that's next year) in this much
pains in a feckin nursin home chosen by mines darling children - (although tis
true I have given this task to mines beautiful niece because she knows If I
really need one of these places I need one with hunky male nurses). I want to
go out of this world with a smile on me face sliding sideways down a Swiss
mountain call Sven- I think he said something about his mountain. Or my
mountain?? Anyway mountain was definitely mentioned. I hope you all had a
better week than I.xx
No comments:
Post a Comment