Tombstoning, Knickers and Sandy Cracks

You all be thinking Beth be quiet. I have been tis true. Got 'shit' I have to sort. Important Owl shit and stuff. But I can tell ye this much, whilst I am sorting the important Owl Shit I overheard mines Mr Husband on the phone to the Dr telling him he needs help getting off the crack. I was shocked. Me heart near enough stopped and corns started throbbing. So ye are all now. I was in a panic. I ran round in little circles. Mines Mr Husband is asking for help to get off the crack. I didn't know he was on Crack. Although sometimes tis true it looks like his eyes are going in different directions. And other days they looks likes lollipops on sticks. Like nipples on a cold day. Anyways after much a wailing and shouting, turns out he was just trying to find out if they could help get him outta his chair since I put that gorilla glue in his crack when he was asleep face down. He gets stuck fast on seats now. Phew. I can highly recommend gorilla glue for sticking stuff, especially butt cheeks together. Tis expensive but worth it.

Also this week me EMU cream has finally arrived so now I can put cream on me Emu. To be truthful it does have black pepper in it so I am not sure how me Emu will fair with a smattering of black pepper- but I am all for a bit of experimenting. Also been busy back and forth for days to the only place left on the planet with any panadol night time. Getting meself a fair ol stock now. That miserable ol' bint at chemist is getting a bit suspicious now. Mines Mr Husband has told me to use a disguise. So tomorrow I am wearing me sun hat and me swimming goggles and the next day I will add me snorkel. The following day I shall wear the same but leave me knickers at home. She will not know tis I.

 On Thursday mines Mr Husband took me up the land of Broadchurch (he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame!) As soon as we arrived mines Mr Husband saw the face painting again. I didn't want all that tantrumming shite again so I let him be a zebra. Just for the day mind you. I not be wanting a feckin zebra hanging round me all the time. People will be thinking tis mightily odd when I go into Tesco with a Zebra in tow. Then he spotted the henna tattoos and wanted his hair braiding. I said 'noooo- you don't have any fecking hair. You be as bald as a coot'. In the end I let him have a henna tattoo of a rabbit on his bald bits cos from the distance it looks like hairs. Then he had a paddy for a bubblegum and fish and chip flavoured ice cream with curry sauce. Good job they are obliging in the ices parlour. Still he managed to get that all over his fizzhog and down his best shirt. He had to take it off. I said 'Well pink and blue check didn't go so well with the zebra look anyways'. Then soon as his shirt was off the old lady with the walking stick started rubbing her hands all over his hairy chest. 'Ooooo hairy chest- I love hairy chest' she said. Oh- hang on- that was me -yes that was my hairy chest. Then he decided he wanted to go tomb stoning. Well he didn't actually decide- I was trying to persuade him. But he was having none of it. He said Zebra's didn't tombstone- he said that as 'leapt' of the cliff edge. To be fair he did need a helping hand. Just a tiny one. Then he got chased by a lion. I said 'Told ye it was a mistake to be a feckin Zebra- not only can ye not go tomb stoning ye are prey for the lions'. Then he said he wanted a ride on the choo choo train up and down the seafront. We looked for one but alas they didn't have one. I told him they wouldn't be letting zebras on a choo choo train anyways in case they doos big doo doos. Then he started to cry and his stripes started to run. His face was such a grey mess tinged with blue from the bubblegum icecream. He looked then like an elephant with a cold trunk. 'Pull yer trousies up man' I said. Then a woman, who oughta know better started calling him elephant man. I thought he was going to cry again. I thought I better not call him that again. I thought it better if we come home. On the way back to the car he started to fart. I am sure it was the bubblegum icecream. The third time he did it I said (in my sternest dinner lady voice)  'STOP THAT'- and he said 'I would but I don't know which direction it went in'. I tell ye, I am going to think twice about going out again for the day with him...............Gone are the days when yer went to the seaside and yer just got sand in yer crack.

Sockets, Pockets and Nipples

SATURDAY NIGHT:

6PM Just been to look at my happy forever bungalow- its in a forest. I am sooo in love with it. I have peed on the gate post and the doorstep to mark my territory. I told Mr husband we will start moving in tomorrow. He said we need to have the key and pay some money to an agent. See I told ya he would piss on me chips.

7PM Found my happy forever bungalow. Busy getting everything packed. Mr Husband pissing on my chips- saying things like 'we should go and look at it first. We should wait until Monday when the agent opens. We should get some money together for it'. I don't care. I am moving in Monday..................End of!

SUNDAY:Well today should be moving into my happy ever after bungalow. We went and looked at it last night. Mr Husband said  'Oooh it's alarmed'. I said 'Don't worry me ol' cocker- it will soon get used to you'. Anyways my heart and my head was saying 'get urself packed and in yer tomorrow'. Then, as predicted, Mr Husband pissed on me chips and me cornflakes and me porridge- and he knows full well I likes cream on me porridge. He said 'yer head needs to understand the costs involved and how isolated you will be there when I am at work'. He told me to sleep on it. So I did- I am stiff all over. Do you know what its like to sleep with one leg either side of the Apex clinging to a rickety chimney pot? (Not the Apex park in Highbridge- I can't get me legs that wide apart- although I know there are people out there.............). Anyways my heart is moving in and my head is staying here..............

After Dinner ;

Mr Husband to me : 'Pickle, why do you have several lumps of gravy inside your bra and peas squashed to your nipples?' Me to Mines Mr Husband : 'Scooby snacks- thats all- scooby snacks'. He be nosy bugger he be.

WEDNESDAY: We are going adventuring today. We don't know where yet- t'is going to be a surprise. It will be too for the people whoever are there when I get there.  I had the king of Migraines yesterday and Mr Husband was nursing his empty socket and empty pocket after his visit to the dentist. Tis the price you pay for avoiding a dentist for twenty years. He had to go cos his toothache was too bad. And ye knows when the chips are down- well he pisses on them. And when you got a very bad tooth- out he gotta come. So I went with him to hold his hand and drive him home. Tis no wonder he needed a lie down after. I wore my tinkly chi ball. 'If ye are nervous' I said to him 'I will jiggle my tinkly chi ball and soothe your nerves'. He said he wasn't nervous at all. I jiggled my tinkly chi ball all the same. Many times. Eventually he got really annoyed with me and nearly strangled me with it. How rude. Nerves on edge or what. Mine - not his. Then a man came outta the dentist room with a bad limp. I said to Mines Mr Husband ' I think ye should avoid going in there- he came out with a limp'. Mines Mr Husband said 'He went in with a limp'. I says to him 'You are a feckin pessimist'. When Mines Mr Husband came out he brought his bad tooth with him. I said 'Why have you brought this with you' (T'was disgusting!). He said 'Tis a gift for you pickle, I thought ye might like it'. This proves romance isn't dead and I must be one of the luckiest girls on the planet. I will get my girl Anna to make it into a necklace from it. All we need now is the hair. She is well renowned for her scalping capabilities- she makes the scalp in to drinking bowls and the hair and teeth into necklaces. Nothing goes to waste. I have to go now because there is some banging from the cupboard under the stairs- I forgot to let the Argos delivery man out I fink.

WEDNESDAY EVENING:

We been on an adventure to Brixham. I had a pasty. I have wind. Mines Mr Husband had a right ol paddy cos he wanted to have his face painted. He said he would go home and sulk in his shed. I said 'I don't care if you do- you are not walking round Brixham with me with a feckin tiger painted on your face'. Then we had icecream. Bloody hundreds and thousands played havoc with his ADHD. He was climbing the walls. The harbour walls. From the inside. I stood on his fingers when he got to the top. By accident of course. What kinda wife do you think I am? Then he stopped by a cake shaped woman at the harbour side and asked her if she got crabs on her holiday- or was it just the way her thighs rubbed together when she walked. Now he looks like a panda- no paint needed. Another woman walked by and she said 'if anyone does it to me they will get what for'- and he said 'You should be so lucky missus'. Tis true she had a face like a box of spanners. I didn't even think he could run that fast. Anyways we are home now. Bob is broken. (Insert crying here!) The boot is stuck. Tis important I get the boot open- I have a pop up pirate that was selling icecream locked in there. He was supposed to be keeping me cool with this menopause. He is knocking on the boot lid now- 'let me out'...................Mr Husband is searching the internet for help. Should have stayed home!

THURSDAY; I have the most wonderful husband. He indulges me notions of fantasy. He knows they may cost him money and mess all over the house at worst and at best more stuff in a box or two somewhere. My latest of aforesaid notion of fantasy included a demand to be taken last night in the rain and cold and wind on Budleigh Salterton (pebble) beach. He will take me anywhere. He has no feckin shame that man. I swear I only went to look for certain types of pebble. I further swear I absolutely did not know it was 'men get naked in the rain on the pebble beach night'. This I told them, as I tried to apply sun cream to the bits that may burn the most, was an added bonus for me as I had only come to get pebbles. I further swear I did not know that despite miles and miles of millions and trillions and gazillions of pebbles that beach would not have the 'right kind' of pebbles for my notion of fantasy. I may have to try again tonight!

Tis TUESDAY. I like Tuesdays. They are orange. I have already learned things this week. I learned:

There are more nipples than people in the world.

That some people won't use toilet paper in a posh loo because its ends are folded too posh to disturb.

It's illegal to vacuum on a Sunday afternoon. Well who knew??

I learned I have French Lavender, not English. I know - it was a surprise to me too. No wonder it doesn't listen when I talk to it. It doesn't understand me. So I spent all the evening talking in French to it. I said ' Je m'appelle Beth ; Quelle heure est- il? ; J'ai une règle; and Fermer tu mouth! ' It never responded at all. I then said 'Now look, if you are going to come over here, taking our Lavenders jobs the least you can do is learn the lingo'. Still ignored me. It's on sticky ground now. Well clay. My friend said ' Dry it out, put into little bags and voila! scent for your drawers'. I have followed her instructions and now I got a funny walk.

Also learned this week that the average human being farts 4 pints of gas a day. It seems mines Mr Husband is well above average!

Off on a road trip today with Elvis as my little sister likes to say. (The one who likes a drop of gravy in her wine!). She don't say the Elvis bit. I don't think she cares so much for Elvis as I. Be good, and if ye can't be good - don't get caught.

FRIDAY: Off to see me Osteopaff. He is in for a treat. I have wind. Blame the beans!

The Osteopaff said to me 'ye are just a spring chicken'. I do like him. Then he said 'Ye can live until ye are 90'. I said 'Gee thanks for the permission- but I have other plans'. Mines Mr Husband said 'What other plans?' I tells 'I am saving to go to the place with the chocolate and the snowy mountains where they give you cheerios for breakfast. I am going to have Youfunasia. It will cost me 700 squids'. Then he really pissed on me chips and he said '7000 squids- 7000'.  So I think that's 14,000 and I ain't no Carol Vorderman- I like to think of meself more of a Rachel Riley. But even I know that 7000 squids plus 7000 squids is 14000 squids. I got this figure by timsing the two sevens. Or addition for those not familiar with the times table. I cried- 'oh dear, I have so much more to save now'. He asks 'how much have ye already got then pickle?' and I tells him '99p so far'. He rooted in his pocket. He be a tight arse. He throwed me a penny and said 'Yer- now yer got yer first pound'. Thats just 13999 squids to go. I ain't no Carol Vorderman-  I like to think of meself more of a Rachel Riley. But I deducted the 1 squid from the 14000 squids to arrive at that figure. Anyways nows mines Mr Husband tells me that its only 7000 squids I have to find- or strictly speaking 6999. I wish he wouldn't confuse me- I am menopausal don't ya know? Mines Mr Husband said he don't be liking to see me sad and he said he will set up a 'go fund me' page (I think he said fund) to get me some money for the Youfunasia. See he really does love me.

SATURDAY: I have been almost cake free for many weeks now. Sadly it seems that its Mines Mr Husband who has been losing weight. Not me. I tells him 'I don't understand it- I eats like a little sparra.' He said 'Well to be fair my little gherkin ye don't. Ye eats more like a seagull- a flock thereof'. Sometimes I just don't want to share my food with him when he says stuff like this. He is soooo Rude!

MONDAY: Tis all excitement here. I am having real visitors. Not like the ones I had yesterday. That was awkward. I thought he was visiting. After much tea and chatting (mine)- he was tied to the chair and his mouth had gaffer tape on - it turns out he was only asking for directions. Tis very confusing this estate. Anyways today my real friend is coming and we are going to go to a pub for dinner and dance naked on the tables and twerk and whip our nae nae's. That's how we roll in Devon!

That is it for this week. Mines Mr Husband is asleep. He has left his old mankywankytooth under his pillow since he had it extracted trying to recoup some of the money he spent on having it out. I think the tooth fairy has a warped sense of humour cos she has thus far only left him 1 squid. Only 187 squids to go and he should be a very even Steven indeed.

I am now off to look for a parcel man to chat to.