Doris, Sunbeams and Badgerheads

Have you ever wondered what Beth is like first thing? If ye don’t need to wonder are ye a fecking stalker or what?

PART 1. Opens one eye. (Other still stuck to the pillow). Then tries to move. Can’t feel one leg. Starts wondering where other leg is. Still can’t feel other leg. Starts to panic ‘Oh no, my leg is gone, I can’t feel me fecking leg, where’s me leg- HELP!- Me leg has been stolen . Or eaten.’ Tries to sit up- opens other eye. Pulls self forward.  Leg definitely gone. More panicking. How will mines muvver and mines favver feel to know that their only daughter didn’t look after legs and managed to lose one In her sleep?  Pulls forward a bit more.  Relief- finds leg over the side of the bed freezing cold.  Thanks god that the crocodile infested waters that obviously surrounds bed in the dark didn’t eat said leg. Drags leg back into bed to get it warm. Puts electric blanket on and spies the mometer thingy is 26 degrees in the shade of the bookcase! Goes back to sleep.

PART 2. Wakes up boiling arse off and having a hot flush. Gets of out of bed to check to see if Doris across back is up. If Doris is up this means the world didn’t end in the night. If she isn’t this means it is either not yet 7am (check clock)- or if it is past 7am Doris is dead. If It’s not yet 7am she could still be dead but not to panic. I don’t hold Doris’s insurance documents. Then wonders if it is time for mines Mr Husband to be up.  Checks clock. If it is past 7.20am wonder where cuppa tea has got to. If no sign of movement is Mr Husband dead? Leave it for another ten minutes. Spend twenty minutes wondering where Insurance documents are in case he is dead. Research prices of camper vans. Turn off electric blanket and go back to sleep.

PART3. Wake up with squidgy head. Start unnecessary worrying about random shit. How do people in Wellington shop? Are there shops in Wellington? (Somerset, not New Zealand). Do armadillos have weetabix or cornflakes for breakfast?  What happened in Love Island last night? (Not really- do you really think I watch that shite?) How many types of gin are there? Should I learn to play the piano today or the trumpet?  Cue a few odd lyrics from Elvis and Abba songs and a verse of Jesus wants me for a sunbeam and remember my Uncle used to call his wife Badgerhead. And where the feck is that cuppa tea? Wonder if Doris is up yet!

So now you know- pretty much standard waking up for everyone? Yes?